September 28, 2009

Free Jackboot with the Purchase of a Dozen Glazed

Most of us long ago gave up the Fourth Amendment ghost when it comes to random police checkpoints. Still, two things strike me funny about this particular Constitution-as-urinal exercise.

First, this:
Vehicles will be randomly chosen and drivers will be asked for valid paperwork and driver's licenses. No delays are expected.[emphasis added]
Evidently the police (astride flying unicorns no doubt) will collect your papers through your window as you cruise full-speed along your route. Handy.

Second, I couldn’t help but Monday-morning-quarterback their choice of location. According to the Sun Sentinel piece, “The checkpoint will be from 7 to 11 a.m. on the 900 block of West State Road 84 [in Fort Lauderdale].” I submit, without further comment:



Read all about the bass-ackward effects of DUI checkpoints here.

September 22, 2009

Double Clubcard Points, Wine by the Case -- the Jedi Craves Not these Things


When Daniel Jones entered a Bangor (UK) Tesco store, he certainly wasn’t looking to cause a confrontation. So when store employees escorted him to the front of the store and insisted he either remove his religious headwear or leave the premises, Jones was understandably shaken.

“They said: ‘Take it off’,” Jones recounted to reporters. “And I said ‘No, it’s part of my religion. It’s part of my religious right.’ … They weren’t listening to me. It was intimidating.”

I should mention at this point that Jones is a Jedi.

A Jedi; a Jedi; a Jedi.

Tesco responded to the tempest following the ejection by saying: “He hasn’t been banned. Jedis [sic] are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods.” Then, proving themselves to be giant winners in life’s game of perspective-based humour, Tesco’s spokemen continued: “If Jedi walk around our stores with their hoods on, they’ll miss lots of special offers.”

Find the droids you’re looking for, and the whole story via The Guardian (no relation), here.

Learn more about the 500,000-members-strong Church of the Jedi here.

September 17, 2009

His Out-of-Frame Hand is Choking a Puppy


1000 Guardian Force Superbucks to the first person who puts this on a T-shirt and sends me a picture.



(Incalculable thanks to the Internet's most disturbed librarian: SugarFree.)

You Devious Septum, You

My septum has mutinied. And not a quick, keelhaul-the-captain, pirate-type mutiny; it’s been more of a slow, forget-limited-government-let’s-elevate-George-W-Bush-and-John-McCain-to-leadership-positions, Republican-Party-type mutiny.

A normal, functional septum looks like this:


Evidently, mine looks something like this:


So, while the doctor was examining my CAT scans and explaining just how much of my face he is going to scrape away with a tiny Dremel, I experienced a vasovagal episode and nearly fell out of his fancy exam chair.

Doc Dremel calmly told me what was happening, leaned my chair back, and allowed me to marinate for a bit. Here's the awesome part: After probably three minutes (me still sweating through my button-down and watching dancing white spots) the doctor asks, “Are you feeling well enough to sign the consent forms?” Dry as a bone.

True story.