April 29, 2010

No Title, Just a Sigh



I give up.


Scenes From Fallujah Quincy

Sometimes images really can do more to drive a point home than all the words in the world. Just ask Janet Reno. Or Janet Reno. Or Janet Reno.

On Wednesday, Quincy (Ill.) Deputy Police Chief Ron Dreyer was called upon to bravely show his teeth in response to an imminent threat against President Obama. Jim Hoft of BigGovernment.com has the pictures:




Excuse me, officer? Yes, you -- the one dressed to combat Maximus Decimus Meridius or possibly a Rancor. You look ridiculous. You, your boss, your boss's boss, and especially your boss's boss's boss, are cowards. Please look deep within yourself (I'm sure you signed up with the best of intentions.) and beg the chief to reconsider next time he wants to send a squad in full riot gear to intimidate a peaceful assembly.

April 28, 2010

Jonathan Swift - Sarcasm = California

Ask any Tea Partier; there is plenty to dislike in the details of health care reform.

But we of the tinfoil hat brigade have long insisted that the principal problem with government-subsidized health insurance is broad: When government pays for health care, government will inevitably regulate anything and everything that can be even tenuously linked to health.

By ceding the responsibility for the cost of health care, we have sacrificed the freedom to make our own decisions about our health. A nauseating argument to be sure, but that doesn't make it any less true. We saw it happen with seat belts; we saw it happen with motorcycle helmets; we saw it happen with cigarettes. Now, just to prove that no caricature or paranoia could ever be as asinine as reality, we will witness within our lifetimes the end of Happy Meal toys.
...[C]ounty officials in Silicon Valley [Calif.] are poised to outlaw the little toys that often come with high-calorie offerings.
...
Believed to be the first of its kind in the nation, the proposal would forbid the inclusion of a toy in any restaurant meal that has more than 485 calories, more than 600 mg of salt or high amounts of sugar or fat. In the case of McDonald's, the limits would include all of the chain's Happy Meals — even those that include apple sticks instead of French fries.
Ken Yeager, president of the authoritarian nitwits Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors, knows unequivocally that you are too stupid and/or incompetent -- all of you -- to spurn the siren song of a Shrek IV wind-up toy, so he is stepping in.
"People ask why I want to take toys out of the hands of children," said Yeager.... "But we now know that 70% of the kids that are overweight or obese will be overweight or obese as adults. Why would we want to burden anybody with a lifetime of chronic illness?"
Did you see that leap? Fast-food toys are responsible for a lifetime of chronic illness. Unless the McDonald's in Yeager's neighborhood has been offering polio pops or asbestos action figures, then he can take his hyperbole and insert it posteriorly.

Even then, whence does Yeager draw his justification for the crackdown? You guessed it:
"We're responsible for paying for healthcare in the whole county," Yeager said. "We pay close to $2 billion annually on healthcare, and the costs have done nothing but rise." A big part of the increase, he said, is costs related to obesity.
The slippery slope is not a logical fallacy; it is the undeniable nature of government power.

April 26, 2010

The Simpsons Proudly Declares Cowardice

The Simpsons has a running gag in the opening credits where Bart repeatedly writes something pithy on the blackboard at school.

Here was last night's:


If you are not familiar with the recent South Park controversy, get caught up here.

I don't know what to make of the Simpsons statement. My initial interpretation is that the writers -- and not necessarily the FOX network -- admire South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker's courage, but admit they have none of their own, which is a decidedly odd message to advertise.

So far FOX has not commented, and judging by the implied message I assume they never will. Were I Stone or Parker, my response would have to be "Thanks... for nothing."

Banks Collapse, Kleenex and Jergens See Record Profits

Most people wouldn't say they "enjoy" their jobs. That is to say, most people wouldn't continue filing TPS reports, fielding customer-complaint calls, inseminating mares, or whatever if there were no compensation involved. Add to that reality the fact that most people plug away at their jobs for at least forty hours every week, and it's no wonder folks occasionally find themselves seeking out cubicle-based diversions. A quick mission sweeping mines, pithy social-networking updates, riveting and hilarious cultural observations -- you get the picture.

But what kind of job must one have that enables him to -- ahem -- jerk around for eight hours a day? Why, a government job, of course!
A senior attorney at the SEC's Washington headquarters spent up to eight hours a day looking at and downloading pornography. When he ran out of hard drive space, he burned the files to CDs or DVDs, which he kept in boxes around his office. [emphasis added]
Eight hours a day?! I know pornographers who don't see eight hours of porn in a day. Fortunately for the hoarding horndog, there were plenty of other locked office doors in the building:
The SEC's inspector general conducted 33 probes of employees looking at explicit images in the past five years, according to a memo obtained by the Associated Press.

The memo says 31 of those probes occurred in the 2 1/2 years since the financial system teetered and nearly crashed.
One amorous accountant attempted (and failed) to access restricted sites more than 16,000 times in a single month, then -- displaying that never-say-die government moxie that won the War on Drugs in the '80s -- the accountant settled for changing his Google Images search settings and "managed to amass a collection of 'very graphic' material on his hard drive" that way instead.

The report surfaced on Thursday, but the story seemed to suffocate quickly, practically dismissed as novelty News of the Weird. But before the sordid tale of the Bishop-Bopping Beltway Boys dies off completely, keep a figure in mind:

$222,418

That is the salary of "senior level" SEC employees, seventeen of whom were implicated in the probe. That's $9.45 million you and I spent since mid-2007.

Talk about fiddling while Rome burned...

April 16, 2010

Rockets' Red Glare

Sunburn crept down my unprotected scalp, its progress imperceptible save for the stinging pain left behind every time I wiped the sweat from my forehead. Shaving my head was a dumb idea this time of year; forgetting the sunscreen was even dumber. Just ahead of me, a man in full woodland camouflage struggled to walk -- likely a symptom of the enormous cantaloupe-sized growth protruding from his ilium. A combat shotgun hung taut on a strap across the cripple's back, and I absently fingered the .38 special on my belt. It felt strange to be envious of him.

Sharp, overlapping machine-gun blasts vibrated in my foam earplugs with regularity, but no one in this area was paying any attention. They were here to buy. A hand-drawn tag Scotch-taped to the leviathan rifle in front of me read simply "$56,000" and was set directly behind an upturned Nazi SS helmet overflowing with brass knuckles: "$6 each". A rack of silk-screened t-shirts caught my eye -- the classic Che Guevara design re-imagined with President Obama in relief and letters added to spell "douCHEbag". Noticing my line of sight, the vendor piped up, grinning with half his mouth as he drew me in.

"A colored fella' looked at that one earlier. He said he loved it! Said he hated liberals!"


I've no reason to believe the t-shirt and brass-knuckle salesman was in any way representative of the hundreds of friendly, freakishly-knowledgeable vendors hawking their hawk-wares at the Knob Creek (KY) Machine Gun Shoot last Saturday. In fact, beyond the anachronistic (and innocuous) use of the term "colored", there was nothing terribly offensive about his observation or his shirts. And while crazies were out in force -- I can't shake the image of a man enthusiastically greeting an eight-year-old boy to his booth with a crisp Hitlergruß -- in aggregate the event was more Paula Dean than Anarchist Cookbook.

Firearms unquestionably outnumbered attendees by a factor of ten, both for sale and in personal possession, and I'm fairly certain I've never felt so safe in all my life. Vendors routinely turned their backs on unsecured items worth tens of thousands of dollars; after all, who would try to rob these people? Even US Senate candidate Rand Paul made an early appearance, pressing the flesh with hobbyists and kooks alike with no visible security entourage of any kind.

Had MSNBC been on the scene (like the New Zealand Herald?), it would have been easy to cherry-pick a ratings-grabbing hodgepodge of militants and racists, but the reality is that Knob Creek was ideal family fare. Between rich historical displays, a live band, "feel-free-to-touch!" meteorites, a light-and-sound show that puts fireworks to shame, and a swiftboatload of genuine experts teaching respect for and healthy caution toward weapons, the Machine Gun Shoot is exactly the kind of event Washington, Adams, and Jefferson would have enjoyed.

At eighty-seven degrees, less parking than your average Hawaiian Shave Ice hut, and no beer for sale, 8000 people certainly didn't come all this way just to whisper about "colored" people.

April 14, 2010

The Road I'd Rather Not Have Traveled

What are the most horrible things you can imagine? Loneliness? Helplessness? Unceasing mortal fear from morning to night?

What about specifics? A human newborn baby roasting on a spit at an abandoned campsite? A cellar full of naked human livestock, some with cauterized stumps where limbs have been removed as food for their captors? A solemn promise to murder your small child -- to smash his brain with a stone -- rather than let him be captured by sodomites and cannibals?

These are the essential elements of Cormac McCarthy's post-apocalyptic novel The Road, without doubt the most terrible, beautiful, miserable, punishing book I have ever read.

Because I care for my readers, I beg you to skip this book. The Road, a Pulitzer winner, has been called the best book of the last twenty-five years and the best book of the decade, but I call the reading of it masochistic. There is no levity. The anemic tendrils of hope are short-lived and emphatically dashed. Even the vast sections of tedium are laced with shivering omen.

Whatever McCarthy's grand intended message, it vanished like so much sugar in a ladleful of ipecac. This is no Diary of a Young Girl; this is exploitative horror from whole cloth masquerading as social commentary -- a literary Marilyn Manson album.

An Amazon Kindle looms large on my Christmas list this year. I know now I'd pay a hefty premium for an "Un-Read This Book" feature.

April 9, 2010

Adjust Your Queues Accordingly

The Finch household has grown impressively adept at timing our Netflix DVD returns just right, queuing up new releases to ship on the first day they are available. Thanks to a new deal with Universal and 20th Century Fox, though, we can ease off the trigger.

The agreement -- like one they already have in place with Warner Bros. Studios -- institutes a twenty-eight day delay between a movie's DVD release and its availability on Netflix, and is meant to help the studios boost DVD sales. Netflix's booty in the bargain is an increase in studio content available for subscribers to stream for free from the website.

So, you'll have to wait an extra twenty-eight days to watch Avatar on your home theater system, but you can watch a medium-res, internet-streamed, season-two episode of Fox's Lie to Me on your 2002 laptop right now!

Interestingly, Blockbuster will still offer movies through its mail-order service on the normal release date thanks to the brick-and-mortar behemoth's promise to pay the studios first when it inevitably goes bankrupt.

You probably can't get any additional information by clicking on the Netflix ads that appear on this site from time to time, but it wouldn't hurt to try...

Obama's War on Terrycloth

Want to see what truly chickenshit trade policy looks like? Then hop on board this crazy train.

The US pays out an estimated $3 billion annually in subsidies to improve American cotton growers' ability to under-price foreign cotton producers, including Brazil. The World Trade Organization determined Brazil had a legitimate beef with this practice, and authorized sanctions against the US. So the US, rather than considering suspending or eliminating the subsidies, instead plans to pay out an additional $150 million annually, directly to Brazil, to help offset the unfair trade policy.

Not angry yet? Follow that money train again: US farmers can't compete with Brazilian farmers, so we give them tax money. This puts Brazilian farmers at a disadvantage, so we give them tax money, theoretically to get us back to where we were before we spent 3.15 billion dollars.

If you believe in protectionism, great; be a protectionist. If you believe in globalism, great; be a globalist. And if you're one of those wacky free-marketeers like me, double-great; we'll hang out, eat some foie gras, and shoot the poor with bullets made of compressed money. But throwing away billions of dollars pretending to be all three and achieving the goals of none is politics at its worst, and it is exceptionally cowardly.

Hat tip to "Ryan", who really should be working.

President Bush's Third Term Turning Out Worse than Feared

Glenn Greenwald hits the nail on the head concerning President (and Nobel Peace Prize winner) Obama's chilling decision to authorize the assassination of an American citizen without due process of any kind. Greenwald's plenty good at what he does, so I'll just parse out the best bits:
Today, both The New York Times and The Washington Post confirm that the Obama White House has now expressly authorized the CIA to kill [American-born Islamic cleric Anwar] al-Alwaki no matter where he is found, no matter his distance from a battlefield.
...
No due process is accorded. No charges or trials are necessary. No evidence is offered, nor any opportunity for him to deny these accusations (which he has done vehemently through his family). None of that.

Instead, in Barack Obama's America, the way guilt is determined for American citizens -- and a death penalty imposed -- is that the President, like the King he thinks he is, secretly decrees someone's guilt as a Terrorist. He then dispatches his aides to run to America's newspapers -- cowardly hiding behind the shield of anonymity which they're granted -- to proclaim that the Guilty One shall be killed on sight because the Leader has decreed him to be a Terrorist. It is simply asserted that Awlaki has converted from a cleric who expresses anti-American views and advocates attacks on American military targets (advocacy which happens to be Constitutionally protected) to Actual Terrorist "involved in plots." These newspapers then print this Executive Verdict with no questioning, no opposition, no investigation, no refutation as to its truth. And the punishment is thus decreed: this American citizen will now be murdered by the CIA because Barack Obama has ordered that it be done. What kind of person could possibly justify this or think that this is a legitimate government power?

As Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit would say: "Remember when they told us if we voted for John McCain, we'd get Orwellian tactics and an increased police state? Turns out they were right."

And just for the record, here's candidate Obama in 2007 proving once again that he has never even played a game of cards or shared a cab with President Obama:
[Boston Globe]: Does the Constitution permit a president to detain US citizens without charges as unlawful enemy combatants?

[Obama]: No. I reject the Bush Administration's claim that the President has plenary authority under the Constitution to detain U.S. citizens without charges as unlawful enemy combatants.

I suppose the quandary surrounding the detention of citizens is moot if you grant yourself the authority to simply assassinate them instead.

April 8, 2010

Legendary Beast Captured, Proves Ancient People Were 'Fraidy-Cats

Legitimate question to journalists: What exactly would you say you "do" here?

The headline of this UK Telegraph piece reads "'Oriental yeti' discovered in China". Now, ask anyone on the entire planet to describe a yeti, and I guarantee not a single one of them will describe this:



But the Telegraph is in the clear, because, you see, they used apostrophes. They were only reporting that this mangy civet had been "dubbed" an 'Oriental yeti'. "Dubbed by whom?" might be a logical question, though it's one the Telegraph didn't feel the need to answer.

So, now that the standard operating procedure has been established, I would like to announce that Scotticus Finch, 'the world's most-trusted blog', has discovered 'unequivocal proof' that the 'Queen of England' is 'actually a man'.

All claims have been thoroughly dubbed.

April 6, 2010

Maybe This is How Skynet Started

Nobody wanted it to be accurate. Contradictory to everything that bracketology represents -- speculation, scouting, team loyalty, soothsaying -- the Coin-Flip Algorithm also doubled-down on the suckage by predicting Duke would win it all. That's like picking Johnny to beat Daniel-san or rooting for Clue Heywood to go yard on Ricky Vaughn in the playoffs.

But there it is. After sixty-three brutal games (the play-in game wasn't included), the Coin-Flip bracket claimed a dominant second-place finish in the office pool amid thirty-six entrants. Earning 109 total points, the bracket was only three points shy of first place but a full twenty-six ahead of third place.

Highlights included the prediction of St Mary's over Villanova in the second round and early exists by Kansas, Syracuse, and Ohio State. Lowlights abounded -- Oklahoma State in the Final Four? Florida State in the Regional Final? -- but the math still wins. CBS evidently doesn't track how many entries they received overall (WTF?) but ESPN estimates a staggering 4.78 million brackets were submitted. The Coin-Flip bracket's ranking worldwide: 27,279th (That's fifty-three points behind the overall winner, a grizzled old sports guru named "PrettyBritt3", who likely reasoned that actual devils could kill actual bulldogs. NTTAWWT.)

The only portion of the Coin-Flip method that relied on pure prognostication was the tie-breaking final-game, final-score total. I predicted 119 points; the score was 61-59.

Missed it by that much.


April 5, 2010

Also, "Scottéric Bastiat" Was Already Taken

Judging by the way several people -- upon making my personal acquaintance -- mispronounce the name of this blog, a bit of appellative exposition is in order.

The name "Scotticus Finch" is a barely-creative take on Atticus Finch, the protagonist in Harper Lee's 1960 masterpiece To Kill a Mockingbird. Finch was peerlessly portrayed in the 1962 film version by Gregory Peck, a performance that netted Peck an Oscar and (forty years later) cemented Finch as the greatest hero in 100 years of American cinema (edging out such icons as Superman, Indiana Jones, and James Bond).

Today, writing a progressive character who fights against racist ignorami is just lazy. In 1962, it was contemporary. In Mockingbird, Finch, a southern lawyer, represents a black man falsely accused of raping a white woman. The book is written from the perspective of Finch's young daughter, so some of the lessons aren't exactly groundbreaking -- "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view - until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." -- but Finch was a practical idealist, a crack-shot pacifist, an eternally-patient single parent, and an anti-authoritarian agent of the state. We don't get heroes like that every day.

Finch on democracy: "The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience."

Bastiat himself couldn't have said it better.

Incidentally, today would have been Peck's 94th birthday.

April 2, 2010

Maybe One Day They Will Make a Book Version of the "Lord of the Rings" Movies

I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about exactly what I would wish for, given the opportunity. Much depends on the exact circumstances: Is it a standard three-wish genie situation? A four-wish monkey paw? Just one wish like Ray J? And what if it turns out I'm being taught an "important lesson", and everything I wish for turns out horribly wrong?

It's a lot to consider. A constant thread to the fantasy, though, is that one way or another, I would use my wish(es) to permanently remove a single phrase from the collective human lexicon:

"Yes, I saw the movie. The book was so much better."

That sentence has never been additive to any conversation in the history of human dialogue, and 9999 times out of 10,000 it could be replaced by saying "I'm fairly certain I'm intellectually superior to you" instead.

What exactly is the sentiment behind such a declaration? What was "better" about the book? Did our pretentious speaker deftly perceive that characters developed more over 400 pages of descriptive third-person narrative than in 100 pages (mostly white space and stage direction) of a script? Is it that sixteen paragraphs describing the feelings, thoughts, memories, smells, and history associated with a particular location provides a broader context than a five second establishing shot? What is the consistent set of measurable values through which this comparative assessment becomes valid?

Movies and books are such vastly different media that claiming Puzo's The Godfather is "better" than Coppola's The Godfather is as sensible as claiming Pope Benedict is better than eggs Benedict. (Never mind the fact that -- separately and independently -- Coppola's film is fantastic and Puzo's book is lousy.)

Most books cannot emotionally accomplish in two hours what movies can. And very few movies can envelop the consumer and create the kind of sensory investment that books can. Comparing them side-by-side demeans them both.

More unfortunate still, most people who make these claims don't even have a lukewarm basis for it in their own minds. Instead it serves as a way to boldly declare "I READ A BOOK!" in the middle of an entirely orthogonal conversation.

While we're all very proud of you for reading Marley and Me all the way through, your decision to hijack my conversation for the purposes of misplaced self-aggrandizement hath triggered my wrath.

Two wishes left. Maybe I'll wish for innocuous observations to stop making me so grumpy...

April 1, 2010

More than One in 3,921,568 Americans Visited this Blog in March

The obsequious team of semi-competent Scotticus Finch interns put together some information about the site's March 2010 traffic.  (That was the first full month during which we employed fancy-schmancy analytic software.)  The interns shall be rewarded with an extra ration of Bakon; the rest of you will be rewarded with the cold, hard numbers.

In March, the site delighted the senses of 102 unique visitors who generated 745 total page-views.

Twenty-four curious souls meandered over from a Facebook plug; nine drove by on their way to Hit & Run; two stumbled in from a comment on Consuming Louisville (Looks like a lovely little town!); and two sought refuge from the Über-Troll Urkobold (don't ask).

Of the sixty-eight Googlers who found us, twenty-seven used some combination of the following search terms: owl city, firefly, terrible. One visitor somehow came over by Googling the phrase "bubba the punch sponge", though independent experimentation has failed to recreate this anomaly.

Disappointingly, out of 745 page-views in thirty-one days, only twenty-four visitors clicked on any of the ads in the upper-left corner. We here at Scotticus Finch would never violate the Terms of Service by encouraging people to click the ads. We would also never remind you how much baby formula costs.

(Gross revenue for the month of March: $5.73. Booyah!)

Many sincere thanks to those of you who frequent the site, especially those who have been around since the austere (and a bit odd) beginning. Some exciting changes are in the works for the upcoming months, so stay tuned!