Fun Friday Poetry

On my last tax return, in the field where the IRS asked me to list my current occupation, I filled in "Steamboat Co-captain". The previous year it was "Freelance Breast-Density Analyst", and the year before that it was "Licensed Poet".

To be honest, though, I'm a lousy poet, and most everything I come up with is based on various rhymes for "Nantucket". A very good friend of mine, on the other hand, has a bard's soul in spades. Writing as "Jefferson T." and inspired by the film For Liberty, this poetic prose was sent to me titled For Wyatt:

The End is coming. We don't know exactly when it will be, but one thing is for certain: We will not forget what you did.

As for our children, they will be starving. They will have no shoes, but they will know Prudence. They will know hardship. And they will know Fortitude. To our children, we will confess our sins, without saying a word. And they will know Temperance.

And we will tell them about The Revolution. And they will know success. And they will know Justice.

And the next generation will carve your name into the trees. And they will know why.

My thanks to Jefferson T. for the contribution.

Did Sarah Palin Trade Sexual Favors for Media Coverage?!? Find Out Below!!!

No. No, she did not.

In other media-sensationalism news, this piece caught my eye today. Not for the yawn-inducing Presidential double-speak, but for the CBS News picture gallery wedged in the sidebar.

The intro's painful copy (I do this for you, people.) reads:

Summer means fun in the sun, enjoying the great outdoors, and relaxing without a care in the world - right? Don't be so sure. With greater freedom comes greater responsibility, and many typical summertime activities come with their share of - often fatal - risks. Keep clicking to see 11 ways you might risk killing yourself this summer (and to learn how not to)...

Among the sneaky, murderous goblins uncovered by this tireless CBS muckraker: fireworks, "water activities", and lightning strikes.

The best part? He's probably still paying off his Journalism School loans while explaining to us how lightning strikes may actually be dangerous(!), despite decades of Looney Tunes clearly indicating that lightning will briefly expose one's skeleton, then leave one humorously charred and nonplussed.

Public Masturbation, Maricopa County Style

You have got to be kidding me.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio rolled out the tanks to take down a man suspected of cockfighting.

West Valley residents in the neighborhood are crying foul after armored vehicles, including a tank, rolled into their neighborhood to make the bust.

Neighbor Debra Ross was so worried she called 911 and went outside where a nearby home had its windows blown out, was crawling with dozens of SWAT members in full gear, armored vehicles and a bomb robot.

“When the tank came in and pushed the wall over and you see what's in there, and all it is, is a bunch of chickens,” Ross said.

In a massive show of force on Monday, the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office executed a search warrant and arrested the homeowner, Jesus Llovera, on charges of suspected cockfighting.

Llovera was alone in the house at the time of the arrest, and he was unarmed.

“I think taxpayers should be shocked,” said Robert Campus, Llovera’s attorney. Campus said he believes the operation costs tens of thousands of dollars.

Deputies had no probable cause to believe Llovera was armed or dangerous, according to Campus.

Campus said he believes the entire scene was basically a stage, to help actor Steven Seagal’s TV show, “Lawman.”

Seagal was riding in the tank.

The Sheriff’s Department has entered into a contract with Seagal and part of that contract gives Seagal carte blanche to go along with the sheriff as he arrests people.

Thousands of dollars in damages were made to the property and 115 birds were euthanized on the spot.

Llovera was convicted of a misdemeanor last year of attending a cockfight and has no history of owning weapons.

Yet the sheriff’s office said they had reasons to believe Llovera might be armed.

“We're going to err on the side of caution. We're going to make sure that we have the appropriate amount of force in case we do run into anything like that,” said Sgt. Jesse Spurgin.[emphasis mine]

I don't know where to begin.

Joe Arpaio. Steven Segal. Tanks and stormtroopers descending on an American neighborhood to wrangle a man who has never even been accused of harming another human being. TV cameras glorifying it all. And Sgt. Spurgin calls it "err[ing] on the side of caution".

This isn't funny. It isn't wacky. And it isn't what life in a free society looks like.

Whole story via Channel 5 KPHO.

Eloy [Vargas], Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?!

The calls started coming in December.

“Are you doing your coin-flip bracket this year? I can’t wait!” – Gene, Knoxville TN

“Who do the coins like this year?! OMG I LOVED the coin-flip bracket!!!” – Andrea, Chicago IL

“You MUST do the coin-flip bracket again this year! Also, you are very attractive and charming.” – Cecilia, Climax PA

Well, loyal acolytes, Scotticus hears your cries. The man who put the "gnostic” in “prognostication” has once again obliterated the limits of human thumb muscles, flipped nearly 1000 coins, and brought you the March Madness equivalent of a donkey-kick to the gonads:

North Carolina brings home banner number six.

Last year, my system picked Duke. This year: those filthy Tar Heels. I can only assume next year’s bracket will find a way to crown either Kim Jong Il or Michael Bay as NCAA champs.

I’m going to go vomit for the next three weeks. Here’s your stupid bracket:

Go here to see the details of the system I used, and here to see how chance is way smarter than you.