December 30, 2009

Taser Wednesday™ Continues

The shock heard 'round the world.
[UPDATE added below]

And now for the good news.
A federal appeals court this week ruled that a California police officer can be held liable for injuries suffered by an unarmed man he Tasered during a traffic stop. The decision, if allowed to stand, would set a rigorous legal precedent for when police are permitted to use the weapons and would force some law enforcement agencies throughout the state -- and presumably the nation -- to tighten their policies governing Taser use, experts said.

Michael Gennaco, an expert in police conduct issues who has conducted internal reviews of Taser use for the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department and other agencies, said the ruling by the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals prohibits officers from deploying Tasers in a host of scenarios and largely limits their use to situations in which a person poses an obvious danger.
As for the immediate trickle-down:
[Orange County Sheriff's Department s]pokesman John McDonald said the department's policy allows officers to fire Tasers at people who try to flee an encounter with police or who refuse, for example, to comply with an officer's order to lie down during an arrest. Those scenarios appear to be prohibited under the court's ruling.
Read the whole ruling here (pdf).

UPDATE: Reason Online wants to be just like me when they grow up.

...And, um, He's Coming Right For Us Too!

Ah, Chicago. There's two things you do better than anyone: hot dogs, and Taserin' folks in the midst of a diabetic seizure.
Prospero Lassi says he suffered a diabetes-induced seizure at home on April 9. His roommate called 911, and police from LaGrange Park and Brookfield responded, with EMTs from LaGrange Park.

Lassi says his roommate explained to police that he was having a diabetic seizure. Lassi "was not alert and could not move his body."

When the EMTs asked the cops to help them move Lassi from where he was lying on the floor, Lassi says, one of his "arms flailed during his diabetes-induced seizure, striking one of the LaGrange and Brookfield defendants. At no time did Mr. Lassi intentionally strike or offensively touch any of the LaGrange or Brookfield defendants."

Lassi says LaGrange Park Officer Darren Pedota responded by Tasering him 11 times, for nearly a minute, as he lay helpless. [italics added]
The story is exclusively drawn from Lassi's lawsuit, so we do not know the defendants' version of the events. Also no word yet if Lassi exacerbated the situation by refusing to take a shower before bedtime.

She's Coming Right For Us!

[UPDATE added below]

Anyone who's seen Poltergeist, The Exorcist, or Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants knows how terrifying little girls can be. Your humble correspondent grew up with two of them, and if Santa Claus had seen fit to deliver a Tiny Taser in 1985 rather than yet another Husky Helper toy, the Finch household would have been a very different place indeed.

Apparently Arkansas police officer Dustin Bradshaw shares our hypothetical six-year-old's mentality:
When [Bradshaw] arrived, the girl was curled up on the floor, screaming, and resisting as her mother tried to get her in the shower before bed.

"Her mother told me to take her if I needed to," the officer wrote.

The child was "violently kicking and verbally combative" when he tried to take her into custody and she kicked him in the groin.

He then delivered "a very brief drive stun to her back," the report said.
Bradshaw's boss, under pressure from the Mayor and the media, eventually suspended Bradshaw with pay (a.k.a. "vacation"), but not for Tasering the girl. The reprimand was for failing to videotape the encounter per department policy. Police Chief Jim Noggle actually defended the action itself as a benevolent alternative to breaking the girl's bones:
"We didn't use the Taser to punish the child - just to bring the child under control so she wouldn't hurt herself or somebody else," Mr Noggle said.

Had the officer tried to forcefully put the girl in handcuffs, he could have accidentally broken her arm or leg, Mr Noggle said.
And golly, it's not like he killed her or anything. The wholly incompetent mother is not off the hook, by the way, but had she electrocuted her ten-year-old for acting like a ten-year-old, she would be the one in jail.

Finally, just in case anyone is thinking "what's done is done"; Noggle also says the girl will face disorderly conduct charges. Stay classy, Arkansas.

UPDATE: Officer Bradshaw has been fired for alleged repeated failure to adhere to the department policy regarding the use of video cameras.

December 28, 2009

Your Kung Fu is No Match for My Scotty Karate


Drawn almost exclusively by its name, I recently tried a four-pack of Dark Horse Scotty Karate Scotch Ale. Expectations were high, especially considering the brew had to be imported by hand from the dreary plains of central Indiana (a wonderful birthday gift from my wonderful baby sister).

The wee heavy did not disappoint, and I was inspired to sing its praises on the Internets. At the same time, I did not want to cause Ted Stevens's email to be delayed, so first I looked to see if there was already a good review posted elsewhere.

There was:
...When it comes to flavor, Scotty Karate delivers in a major way. *This* is what I expected this big American-brewed Scotch ale to taste like. With a bigger body, we could be looking at greatness. Although there isn't an abundance of barrel-aged character, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Dark Horse put SKSA in bourbon barrels for at least a brief time.

Flavors include chocolate, golden toffee, butterscotch, sugared pecans, medium-dark fruit, and a tobacco, tea, and hop leaf bitterness that concludes each mouthful with a gradually tightening, focused flourish. It may be nothing more than an overactive imagination, but a phenolic peaty tanginess and a puff of smoke are present as well.

...I don't drink beer because of the way it looks or smells. I drink beer because of the way it tastes. Scotty Karate Scotch Ale is the real deal and should be sought out by anyone who loves a good wee heavy...
My own review would have relied heavily on phrases like "hells yeah!" and "way more beer-y", so muchas gracias to BuckeyeNation. Now venture forth, ScotticusFinch minions, and consume.

Wholesale Healthcare (and Eunuchs)

Inflammable means flammable? What a country!
Over at Hit & Run, reliable commenter P Brooks sums up Obamacare quite well:
And- goddammit!- if you make it mandatory for everyone, and prohibit risk-based pricing, it's not actually "insurance" anymore. It's a "buyers' club" for medical services.
Obviously, a buyers' club is great if you're an unemployed 50-year-old base-jumping, gator-wrestling smoker with diabetes and chronic dry eye; not so much if you're a healthy, risk-averse person forced to participate.

That's all I've got. Celebrating the birthday of the non-denominational Holiday Infant has evidently quelled my indignation.

If you absolutely must have something else today, hop across the virtual pond and read about Pakistani eunuchs winning the right to be recognized as a distinct third gender.

December 14, 2009

Are You Sure Officer O'Malley Was the One Who Broke Your Camera?

The growing national frustration with municipal police departments is not couched in a belief that all -- or even most -- officers act inappropriately. Rather, the frustration stems from the apparent unwillingness among police departments to recognize, condemn, and respond to misconduct when it arises.

In fact, police departments continue to innovate ways to make accountability more chimeric. Consider Chicago's new policy threatening criminal charges against people whose official claims of police misconduct are found to be without merit. While most people agree it would be satisfying to slap a fine on the Richard Heenes of the world, we have to remember exactly who's guarding the henhouse here:
A 2008 study by University of Chicago law professor Craig B. Futterman found 10,000 complaints filed against Chicago police officers between 2002 and 2004. That's more than any city in the country, and proportionally it's 40 percent above the national average. Of those 10,000 complaints, just 19 resulted in significant disciplinary action [suspension of a week or more]. In 85 percent of the cases, the complaint was dismissed without even interviewing the accused officer.
Furthermore, the 19-in-10,000 statistic deals only with complaints that were actually filed. According to the June 2006 US Department of Justice report on citizen complaints about police use of force, only one in ten people who believe that they have been abused by the police ever report the abuse.

Threats -- both explicit and implicit -- of financial and legal retribution are certainly one reason why.

Police officers are necessarily entrusted with authority over life and freedom, the two most important concepts in existence. It is unprecedented madness to also extend to them the continual benefit of the doubt. An officer wrongfully losing his job is terrible; a man wrongfully losing his life or his freedom is irreparable.

December 1, 2009

Man Outruns 12,000-Foot Tall Elephant, Makes Movie


Al Gore's advocacy film about the potential dangers of global climate change won an Academy Award.

Al Gore received the Nobel Peace Prize for his advocacy, being called "the single individual who has done most to create greater worldwide understanding of the measures that need to be adopted [in the struggle against climate change]" by the Nobel committee.

Al Gore recently appeared on the cover of Newsweek as a 21st-Century Isaac Newton and was called an "Eco-Prophet" and "The Thinking Man's Thinking Man".

And Al Gore thinks the temperature at the center of the Earth is "several million degrees":
Conan O'Brien: Now, what about ... you talk in the book about geothermal energy...

Al Gore: Yeah, yeah.

Conan: ...and that is, as I understand it, using the heat that's generated from the core of the earth...

Al: Yeah.

Conan: ...to create energy, and it sounds to me like an evil plan by Lex Luthor to defeat Superman. Can you, can you tell me, is this a viable solution, geothermal energy?

Al: It definitely is, and it's a relatively new one. People think about geothermal energy — when they think about it at all — in terms of the hot water bubbling up in some places, but two kilometers or so down in most places there are these incredibly hot rocks, 'cause the interior of the earth is extremely hot, several million degrees, and the crust of the earth is hot...
National Review Online blogger John Derbyshire goes ahead and tidies up the science for us laymen:
The temperature at the earth's core ... is usually quoted as 5000 degrees Celsius, though these guys claim it's much less, while some contrarian geophysicists have posted claims up to 9000 degrees. The temperature at the surface of the Sun is around 6000 degrees Celsius, while at the center, where nuclear fusion is going on bigtime, things get up over 10 million degrees.
To illustrate the enormity of Gore's wrongness, his claim is mathematically identical to saying the average height of an African Elephant is 12,000 feet, or that the fastest a human has ever run a mile is 0.223 seconds.

Did I know off the top of my head that the center of the Earth is actually around 5000 degrees? Of course not. But the spot on my mantle where there isn't an Oscar, a Nobel Peace Prize, and a framed copy of Newsweek serve as my excuse.

What's Al's?

Check out the whole Conan clip at YouTube here.

November 23, 2009

I'm Thankful for Howard Hesseman


Has there ever been a television series that didn't air the obligatory Thanksgiving episode, where everyone in the peer group is somehow (wackily!) prevented from having dinner with their actual family, and instead spends it with the rest of the (wacky!) cast?

From Cheers to Friends (a multiple-repeat offender) to Felicity, the recipe is a stalwart, and I guarantee if your DVR keeps even moderately busy this week, you'll catch at least one of your new favorite shows dusting it off again.

Fortunately, thanks to Al Gore's Internets, everyone on earth can bask in the glory of the WKRP in Cincinnati "Turkeys Away" episode. For those enslaved by IT overlords who refuse you access to Hulu.com, whet your beaks here, then check it out from home.

Learn all about the first Thanksgiving here.

Learn how to say "thanks" in two dozen languages here.

Read Abraham Lincoln's Thanksgiving Proclamation here.

And remember the words of Johnny Carson:
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then they discover once a year is way too often.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

November 17, 2009

Whose Palm Do I Have to Grease to Move Up this List?


Back in July, I blogged about the Freedom House list of The Least Free Places on Earth. Not to be outdone, Transparency International has now released their annual Corruption Perceptions Index, which “measures the perceived level of public-sector corruption in 180 countries and territories around the world”.

Since Somalia was ranked as fifth on the Least Free Places list, and dead last on the Corruption Index, ScotticusFinch is prepared to annouce the 2009 winner of the “Place in Which Even a Superhero Should Hope to Never Accidentally Wake Up Award”...

Okay, it’s Detroit for the fourth straight year. But Somalia is a close second.

Unsurprisingly, Transparency International ranked New Zealand as the least-corrupt nation on earth. This is due mostly to the well-documented nigh-incorruptable nature of Hobbits.

It's a Wiggly Sack of Potatoes! It's a Smelly Plush Doll! It's... It's... Okay, it's my Kid in a Costume

Granted, so far it's all just playing dress-up, but the seeds are officially sown. I wonder if this is how Gandhi felt the first time he saw Gandhi Jr in a dhoti, or when Rollie Fingers first saw his boy sporting a dirty junior-high mustache.



On a superpower-related note, I can't help but notice that several of the millions of daily visitors to ScotticusFinch have neglected to vote on the last two polls (left sidebar). How can I be expected to advance the science of personal opinions unless you people participate? If you have already voted, go to your neighbor's cubicle while she's at lunch and vote again*. My bloated self-esteem could be at stake.

If you want to suggest a more click-worthy poll, please do so in the comments.

*See what I mean about being devoted to science?

November 5, 2009

14 Days Without Sleep Makes One Weak

I find a little giggle-gas before I begin increases my pleasure enormously.
A full two weeks ago, I drifted off under anesthetic while some eight-year-old with palsy practiced pumpkin-carving in my sinuses. Since then, and into the foreseeable future, I have been spending the hours between 10pm and 6am on the sofa, sitting straight up, pretending that I might eventually sleep. This overnight posture is required because of the 74 gallons of drainage (the medical term for snot) I now generate per night.

Every hour or so, I abandon my post on the sofa, stumble in the dark through the gauntlet of baby paraphernalia and empty tissue boxes to the bathroom, and force saltwater up my nose in direct conflict with everything I learned at YMCA swim class. The commotion, of course, convinces the dogs that it’s time for breakfast, so even after I find my way back to the couch, alternately dripping tainted saltwater and “drainage”, they sit attentively by my side, reminding me in that whiny dog language that their bowls are still empty. Never mind that it’s 1:45am.

Eventually baby Wyatt wakes up, and we go about our morning as if the night was somehow rejuvenating.

59 minutes out of every hour during the day, I hold my breath. Not by choice, but because my nose is clogged full of that stuff inside Cadbury Crème Eggs and breathing through my mouth all night has turned my throat into some sort of parched, scorched Taliban survival course. I try to save that one breath per hour for when the boss comes around to ask if everything is okay. “Yep,” I bark, which is code for “Please ignore the fact that I look like Martin Landau three days into a meth bender; I do not actually have the swine flu.” At least I assume it’s my boss. The hallucinations lately make it difficult to tell him apart from the giant Pillsbury Dough Boy who lives in the supply closet behind me.

Assurances have been made that I will eventually heal, although the “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!” banner hanging behind the Doc at my follow-up appointment was a bit disconcerting. And I’m pretty sure it was his lawyer who poked his head into the exam room, telling the Doc, “Hey, the judge totally isn’t buying it. You should probably have a bag packed and keep your passport on you.”

So for now, it’s back to the sofa and the Scotticus-shaped indentation that has formed within it, where I offer a fatted calf to the gods Kleenex, Ocean, Afrin, and Advil. I pray that they are appeased and benevolent, but I’m not holding my breath.

October 29, 2009

You'll Have my Story as Soon as the White House Writes it for me, Chief!

I’ve been meaning to blog about this fantastic Glenn Greenwald piece (originally posted October 6 at Salon.com) for awhile now. It deals with the media’s use of unnamed sources and specifically skewers Washington Post stenographer-as-journalist Anne Kornblut.

First, here is The Post’s own ombudsman:
The Post has strict rules on the use of anonymous sources. ...News organizations can pay dearly if they're not vigilant about sourcing. At minimum, credibility can suffer. At worst, a damaging journalistic transgression can occur. ...

Post policies say that readers should be told as much as possible about the quality of a confidential source ("with first-hand knowledge of the case," for instance). They also say "we must strive to tell our readers as much as we can about why our unnamed sources deserve our confidence."
Now, here is Greenwald taking Kornblut to the woodshed:
The Post depicts Obama as heavily and heroically engaged in disrupting the alleged Najibullah Zazi domestic terrorist plot and -- repeatedly highlighting that success -- claims "the White House has been charting a delicate course as it attempts to turn the page on Bush-era anti-terrorism policies," whereby "the Obama administration is increasingly confident that it has struck a balance between protecting civil liberties, honoring international law and safeguarding the country." Here are all of Kornblut's cited sources for the article -- every last one of them -- in the order she cites them:
Obama aides pointed ... administration officials said ... a senior administration official said ... officials said ... a senior administration official said ... senior Obama officials stressed ... a senior administration official said ... aides said ... officials said ... one senior administration official said. ...one senior official said. ...The official said ... a senior administration official said ... a senior administration official said ... administration officials said .... a senior official said.
Not a single named person is cited, and there's not a syllable of quoted dissent in any of it. Virtually every sentence in the long article does nothing but praise Obama and depict him as stalwartly safeguarding America's civil liberties ... even as he protects us from the dangerous Terrorists, so why is anonymity needed for that? It's nothing more than what [White House Press Secretary] Robert Gibbs is eager to say every day. Nor is there a hint of who these officials are, what the basis is of their knowledge, or why The Post granted anonymity....

...The Post's article ... doesn't even claim that these anonymous officials have any knowledge at all -- first-hand or otherwise -- of what actually happened (are they national security officials, press people, political advisers?). The article doesn't even pretend to justify why anonymity was granted (there's not a word about that).

...[W]hat happened here is obvious: the administration wanted to issue a Press Release exploiting the fear surrounding the Zazi case to justify Obama's Bush-copying civil liberties policies ... while depicting Obama as our careful yet forceful protector. So they dispatched an official (or officials) to dictate the sanctioned administration line to Anne Kornblut. She then unquestioningly wrote it all down (after granting them anonymity) and The Post uncritically published it as a "news article."
The whole piece is worth a read. (It goes on to point out that in addition to being a lapdog, Kornblut is also dead wrong in her assertions.)

Kornblut's piece in question is not an editorial or opinion column, mind you. It appeared in the National News section of The Washington Post. Remember this lazy, irresponsible work the next time someone tells you that the death of newspapers will be the death of “real” journalism, or when you hear the White House declaring who is and is not a news organization.

October 28, 2009

Jeff Flake: The Fozzie Bear of Congress

In Australia this means 'screw you'!  Wokka wokka!
Don't get me wrong. I would rather Congress spend 100% of its time writing bills to congratulate Super Bowl-winning teams and whatnot, than slopping together more consequence-ignorant, corporate-welfare, nanny-state, liberty-reducing laws.

Still, to see Representative Jeff Flake's (R-AZ) response to HR 784 is just plain fun. The bill was introduced to "honor[] the 2560th anniversary of the birth of Confucius and recognize[] his invaluable contributions to philosophy and social and political thought." Seriously.

Flake's response, which accompanied his vote against the bill:
He who spends time passing trivial legislation may find himself out of time to read healthcare bill.
At press time, it is unconfirmed if he followed his statement with a hearty "Wokka wokka!"

Check out Flake here.

October 21, 2009

Even Superheroes get the TSA Blues

In the past, Avian Silver handled all of The Guardian Force's air travel manually. Since his extradition for trafficking in illegal stomp porn, however, we have all been subject to the carnivals of ineptitude formerly known as commercial airports.

Recently, a stalwart minion of the TSA relieved me of my nail-clippers, despite the fact that the clippers were already missing the little under-nail gunk extraction blade. Very well. But my ultra-stabby, spring-loaded, aluminum-tipped umbrella of doom? No sweat; step right through, sir.

Que será, será. Really, I'm just excited for an excuse to post this:


Cartoon via XKCD; link via (surprise, surprise) Hit & Run.

October 15, 2009

We Have Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself the Ghost of John Henry

It runs on broken promises!
So there will be no cost of living increase for Social Security this year.

Except that there will be.

For those keeping score, this:
Obama said he would not allow the money to come out of the Social Security trust funds, which would further erode the finances of the retirement program.
counts as a lie, since the Social Security trust fund doesn’t exist.

Furthermore, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is this:
Thursday's announcement comes a day after President Barack Obama called for a second round of $250 stimulus payments for seniors, veterans, retired railroad workers and people with disabilities.
Retired railroad workers? Why not retired calligraphy tutors? Why not left-handed Civil War history enthusiasts? Why not grumpy super-powered bloggers?

Your humble correspondent decided to go straight to the source and find out what’s so damn special about retired and veteran railway employees.

Well, crap.

October 12, 2009

Scotticus's Netflix Reviews: Marley and Me

[SPOILER ALERT]

Screw you, Marley and Me. I’ve got dogs, and they do a perfectly good job of getting me to spoil them rotten without your help. I already feel guilty enough every time I make them jump down off the warm, cozy spot they’ve eked out on the couch. Now thanks to you, alongside my own anthropomorphizing issues, I will always add this thought: “One day these pups will die. Your children will cry; your wife will cry; you will cry; and you will feel like a complete asshat for every time you snapped at them instead of feeding them foie gras and rubbing their bellies.”

I didn’t need that. I’d already had a long day. I was tired. I had nine episodes of Big Love on my DVR. Instead, I chose to watch your heartfelt, adorable movie and then I spent forty-five minutes trying to swallow back the billiard ball in my gullet and blaming my blubbering on allergies. Do you know how many hours of Grand Theft Auto I’m going to have to play just to feel like a man again? Do you know that the last time a movie made me cry was when Gone in Sixty Seconds destroyed that beautiful 1967 Shelby GT 500, and the time before that probably involved being scared of oompa-loompas?

So go to hell.

And if you need me, chances are I will be in the backyard, installing a window unit on the new doghouse.

October 9, 2009

BREAKING NEWS! SCOTTICUSFINCH EXCLUSIVE!

ScotticusFinch has received reliable information indicating that later today Barack Obama will be announced as the winner of the Cannes Film Festival's Palme d'Or for his VHS film "Bears @ Browns Sasha's Swim Meet".

Developing...

UPDATE: According to exclusive ScotticusFinch information, this afternoon President Barack Obama will hold a press conference accepting this year's Fields Medal for his work in calculating an exact 15% tip on a $109 dinner bill split two ways.

Developing...

UPDATE: Insiders have confirmed to ScotticusFinch that yesterday Barack Obama was unanimously named "World's Best Grandma" by the Association for Research on Mothering. White House spokesman Robert Gibbs describes Obama as "glib".

Developing...

October 8, 2009

I'm from the Government, and I'm Here to Help: Update!

On Friday I posted a graph showing how actual unemployment numbers resembled the White House estimates on Cialis. Today, via Veronique de Rugy and The American, we see that as the stimulus has been spent, unemployment has actually accelerated.
Give us money, and we’ll give you jobs. That was the promise President Barack Obama made when he asked Congress for a $789 billion stimulus bill back in January. The cash, the administration said, would create millions of jobs over the next two years.

Here was the argument as presented in the January report by the Council of Economic Advisors' Christina Romer and chief economist to the vice president Jared Bernstein, called “The Job Impact of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act”:
The U.S. economy has already lost nearly 2.6 million jobs since the business cycle peak in December 2007. In the absence of stimulus, the economy could lose another 3 to 4 million more. Thus, we are working to counter a potential total job loss of at least 5 million … even with the large [stimulus] prototypical package, the unemployment rate in 2010Q4 is predicted to be approximately 7.0%, which is well below the approximately 8.8% that would result in the absence of a plan.
Based in part on this argument, President Obama got his money. So what happened since then?

Using data from the president’s website Recovery.gov and data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, this chart shows the monthly increase in the unemployment rate in tandem with the administration’s stimulus spending.


Note that these are not promised dollars and estimated unemployment numbers; this is stimulus money that has been already been spent, and actual unemployment.

October 7, 2009

"New Professionalism" Once Again on Display in Georgia

Having already asserted their authority to beat the handicapped and murder (then frame) the elderly, police officers right here in the USofA have now decided it’s time to start killing the clergy.

On September 1, Jonathan Ayers, a Georgia minister, had just withdrawn money from a convenience-store ATM and started his own car when an unmarked black SUV pulled in behind him. Plainclothes officers (which is exactly the same as saying “some guys”) jumped out of the SUV and pointed guns at him.

We cannot know if Ayers thought he was being attacked or robbed. We do know that Ayers was not the intended target of the stop. What we see in the surveillance video is that Ayers tried to drive away, and in doing so backed into one of the officers. At least one officer then shot into Ayers’s vehicle, fatally wounding him.

Ayers left behind a wife who was four months pregnant with the couple’s first child. He was pastor of Shoal Creek Baptist Church in Lavonia, and he recently blogged: "I have three loves in my life: Jesus Christ, my wife Abby, and the Church."

For those questioning my growing animosity toward the police, please at least desist with the argument that this was just another isolated incident, etc., etc., etc.

October 6, 2009

Dom "Woogie" Woganowski Now Second-Best Athlete at TSAM Reunion Party

Evidently the terrible actor who played Mary’s old boyfriend Brett in There’s Something About Mary went on to become a professional football player. True story.

Even more impressive: last night that very same actor-turned-athlete, Brett Favre, became the first quarterback in history to defeat all 32 NFL teams by serving a lukewarm dish of revenge to Packers’ GM Ted Thompson.
This was a highly anticipated and heavily hyped game. Everybody in the stadium stood all the way through the Vikings’ first possession, instead of sitting after the first few snaps like usual. Cameras flashed constantly.

...

Favre was clearly uncomfortable this week with all the attention on this reunion, trying to downplay the significance and stumbling through denials that his main motivation to unretire last year was revenge on general manager Ted Thompson for not letting him come back and compete for his old job with [Packers QB Aaron] Rodgers.

”My statement has been what I’ve done over my career,” Favre said. “One game does not define my career good or bad. I know what I’ve done. I’m proud of what I’ve done. I know I can play. I wanted to do what it takes to win.”
And win you did, Brett. Just please don’t go back into acting.

Fun trivia for observationally-masochistic fans like me: the last team on the list Favre had to beat besides his own former Packers? You guessed it; the Kansas City Chiefs.

October 5, 2009

Bastiat Surrenders, Goes to Work for GM

I'll be Torvald!
In the long history of minor-league sports, no fan has ever planned to go to the ballpark because they heard it was Mini-Bat Night or Bobblehead Night. If the giveaways are limited, people may show up earlier than if there had been no handouts (say, fifteen minutes after the first pitch instead of sixty), but their decision about buying a ticket was un-phased. So rather than serving as a small cost by which overall revenue increases, the prizes amount to a fun bonus for people who were coming to the game regardless.

New numbers on the government’s Largesse for Lemons program proves it was one giant, $3 billion Bobblehead Night for car dealerships.

Consider the numbers via Bloomberg.com’s report:
GM’s September deliveries tumbled 45 percent, while Toyota dropped 13 percent, both worse than analysts had estimated. Ford slid 5.1 percent, and Auburn Hills, Michigan-based Chrysler Group LLC plunged 42 percent.

Honda Motor Co. posted a 20 percent decline, and Nissan Motor Co., which like Honda is based in Tokyo, said sales fell 7.1 percent.
The larger problem, though, is that the C4C program is being heralded as a success, and a model for future government interventionism. Never mind that the program’s biggest beneficiaries were Japanese and Korean carmakers, or that C4C served as a very effective poke in the eyes to the poor by increasing the median cost of used cars, or that the whole scheme was one tragi-comic lesson in Bastiat’s broken window fallacy.

Reason Online web editor Tim Cavanaugh sums it all up:
The evidence was there going in, and now the evidence is there going out: As soon as the government turned off the current, the corpse stopped twitching. But everybody in the lab saw the corpse twitch. So if GM survives, the history will read that while free market extremists objected to the Cash for Clunkers program, even they came around when they saw how successful it was at saving U.S. auto manufacturers.
In the interest of full disclosure, the Guardianmobile is an Aston Martin Lagonda. Red, white, and blue of course.

October 2, 2009

I'm from the Government, and I'm Here to Help

The day may come when Wyatt -- after watching Mary Poppins, perhaps -- will ask me for $9 to go buy an umbrella. Deep in his little heart, he will be convinced that for only $9, he can achieve his dream of flight (or perfect pitch, or whatever aspect of Poppins inspired him), and I have no doubt I will indulge him. The lesson and the adventure will be a bargain at $9.

Not so much, when the lesson costs $787 billion.



President Obama's words at the ARRA signing ceremony eight months ago:
...today does mark the beginning of the end — the beginning of what we need to do to create jobs for Americans scrambling in the wake of layoffs.
Chart via Don Surber. Link via Hit & Run via Instapundit. Sheesh.

September 28, 2009

Free Jackboot with the Purchase of a Dozen Glazed

Most of us long ago gave up the Fourth Amendment ghost when it comes to random police checkpoints. Still, two things strike me funny about this particular Constitution-as-urinal exercise.

First, this:
Vehicles will be randomly chosen and drivers will be asked for valid paperwork and driver's licenses. No delays are expected.[emphasis added]
Evidently the police (astride flying unicorns no doubt) will collect your papers through your window as you cruise full-speed along your route. Handy.

Second, I couldn’t help but Monday-morning-quarterback their choice of location. According to the Sun Sentinel piece, “The checkpoint will be from 7 to 11 a.m. on the 900 block of West State Road 84 [in Fort Lauderdale].” I submit, without further comment:



Read all about the bass-ackward effects of DUI checkpoints here.

September 22, 2009

Double Clubcard Points, Wine by the Case -- the Jedi Craves Not these Things


When Daniel Jones entered a Bangor (UK) Tesco store, he certainly wasn’t looking to cause a confrontation. So when store employees escorted him to the front of the store and insisted he either remove his religious headwear or leave the premises, Jones was understandably shaken.

“They said: ‘Take it off’,” Jones recounted to reporters. “And I said ‘No, it’s part of my religion. It’s part of my religious right.’ … They weren’t listening to me. It was intimidating.”

I should mention at this point that Jones is a Jedi.

A Jedi; a Jedi; a Jedi.

Tesco responded to the tempest following the ejection by saying: “He hasn’t been banned. Jedis [sic] are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods.” Then, proving themselves to be giant winners in life’s game of perspective-based humour, Tesco’s spokemen continued: “If Jedi walk around our stores with their hoods on, they’ll miss lots of special offers.”

Find the droids you’re looking for, and the whole story via The Guardian (no relation), here.

Learn more about the 500,000-members-strong Church of the Jedi here.

September 17, 2009

His Out-of-Frame Hand is Choking a Puppy


1000 Guardian Force Superbucks to the first person who puts this on a T-shirt and sends me a picture.



(Incalculable thanks to the Internet's most disturbed librarian: SugarFree.)

You Devious Septum, You

My septum has mutinied. And not a quick, keelhaul-the-captain, pirate-type mutiny; it’s been more of a slow, forget-limited-government-let’s-elevate-George-W-Bush-and-John-McCain-to-leadership-positions, Republican-Party-type mutiny.

A normal, functional septum looks like this:


Evidently, mine looks something like this:


So, while the doctor was examining my CAT scans and explaining just how much of my face he is going to scrape away with a tiny Dremel, I experienced a vasovagal episode and nearly fell out of his fancy exam chair.

Doc Dremel calmly told me what was happening, leaned my chair back, and allowed me to marinate for a bit. Here's the awesome part: After probably three minutes (me still sweating through my button-down and watching dancing white spots) the doctor asks, “Are you feeling well enough to sign the consent forms?” Dry as a bone.

True story.

August 10, 2009

Scotticus's Netflix Reviews: Doubt

[SPOILER ALERT]

Doubt, starring Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman and written by John Patrick Shanley (Moonstruck, Alive), is compelling, powerful, and yet frustratingly obtuse. Set in a Bronx Catholic school in 1964, Doubt centers on a priest (Hoffman) suspected of molesting a child and the nun (Streep) obsessed with stopping him. Despite an occasionally ham-handed (more on that later) use of symbols, the script fiercely dichotomizes the hero and the villain without ever revealing which is which, and the result is a graceful lesson in the power of perception.

Hoffman and Streep – quite possibly the two most talented actors working today – earn their SAG wages plus tips; never mind Streep’s recent insistence on “doing voices”. Hoffman’s Father Flynn gives off a deliberate glow of limp moonbat progressivism balanced by a charming earnestness and unexpected spine, while Streep’s Sister Beauvier is a comically antique humbug resigned to a changing world – except when it comes to her students. Shanley, who also directed, brings the clues in a giant box marked “clues”: Flynn likes the shades drawn! The bully crushed a student’s favorite toy! The wind is blowing like never before! But soon the obviousness of the message becomes an extremely effective scaffold for a verdict that is never rendered. Shanley’s script compels us, through a barrage of blunt-fisted symbols, to feel as certain in our hearts as the characters do about guilt and innocence, then strategically reminds us of two things: that there is no proof, and that the human consequences of either reality – a predator among the boys, or a good man’s name destroyed – could be monstrous.

As the credits rolled, Doubt was disappointing. Forty-eight hours later, a spinning mind proves it delivered on its namesake promise.

July 29, 2009

"I build you this awesome box keg, and all you put in it is light beer?"

MillerCoors LLC, the beer-makers of (surprise!) Miller and Coors, are test-marketing a new $20, 1.5-gallon “Home Draft” box, built to fit in your fridge and keep beer fresh for about 30 days. Sounds fun, right? Well, don’t reach for that lampshade just yet, Bluto:
The price per ounce is roughly 15% higher than for an 18-pack of the same beer, MillerCoors said.

Come again? Buy in bulk; pay more? The schlock-hop jockeys explain the idea like this:
The product, which is recyclable, is aimed at the 30% of beer drinkers who say they prefer draft beer to the bottled or canned variety, said Andy England, chief marketing officer at MillerCoors. "We're really trying to meet that occasion when you just got back from work and want to reward yourself."

Ah. So this is for the connoisseurs whose delicate palates differentiate bottled-versus-draft, but who still swig swill. Seriously, “rewarding” yourself with a tall Miller Lite is akin to taking a “vacation” to your great aunt’s house. Full article here.

For the actual Carribean getaway of beers, go here. Or, to settle for the weekend-with-friends-in-Chicago of beers, there’s always good old Sam.

Headline explained (sort of) here.

Mobile Ala. Police, Tired of Being Punked by Stephen Hawking, Lower the Bar

Back on July 10, the Guardian Force held open auditions to fill a roster spot. Turnout was disappointing to say the least, and in the end we decided none of the applicants had the goods.

Enter: Antonio Love, aka The Human Terror.

Love, a resident of Mobile Alabama, strikes an unholy fear into the hearts of men so deeply and thoroughly that even the bravest among us dare not look him in the withering eye. Just last week (and I am not making this up) local police attacked Love while he was most vulnerable – sitting on the toilet in a Dollar General Store. Love, who is both deaf AND mentally retarded (not to mention battling the runs), relayed the day’s events through a hand-written note:
"I wait and sit toilet," Love's note read. "I think about someone try break door. I hold door hard."

At that point, ... [the officers] shot pepper spray under the door.

"The police arrive General Dollar and throw poison through under the door ... I can smell poison and I'm amazing and shock."

Love turned the water on to wash the irritating chemicals off his face. "Then I'm think someone gone."

The officers ... [had gone] to get a tire iron to pry the door open.

"Then again someone knock knock," the note reads. "My head hold door, and my hand put hold lock the door. I spit poison with water. Someone hit hard hard."

The officers broke into the room.

"I'm almost fall and surprise the police here. The police get the tazz three strings in my stomach, chest and hand and hit my head. I'm falled."

...Love said he did not open the door because he thought "the devil was trying to come in."

Anyone who is so powerful – despite being deaf, retarded, and shitting – that he must be gassed, Tasered, beaten, and handcuffed just to get him to step out of the bathroom will always have a place among the Guardian Force.

July 27, 2009

Political Porcine Protagonist Pursued by Perturbed Police

In Aaron Sorkin’s political wet dream The American President, plucky presidential advisor Lewis (played pluckily by the plucky Michael J Fox), describes the American hero-need thusly:
People want leadership, Mr. President, and in the absence of genuine leadership, they'll listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand.

Or, evidently, root for a feral pig. Following Ron Paul’s failure to place in a single presidential primary, Bob Barr’s failure to be more man than moustache, and Barack Obama’s failure to keep any of his campaign promises that would have reduced the power of the federal government, libertarians have pinned their inspiration to a pig.

My favorite part:
”It’s not easy [to catch]. You have a 150-pound pig with an attitude,” said Jim Crosby, director of Bay County Animal Control.

For the record, 150 pounds is 15 pounds less than Justin Timberlake weighs. The Guardian Force's bid to catch the pig was rejected by County authorities as "prohibitively expensive".

July 24, 2009

In Moab Utah, Hobos Pity You!


Oftentimes someone acting in a manner completely harmless to others still deserves to be called an idiot. (The Henry Louis Gates kerfuffle is one example.) Daniel Suelo decided in the Fall of 2000 to stop using money, live in a cave in Utah, and survive off the scraps of commercialism. Daniel Suelo is an idiot.

Witness his catharsis:
In 1987 ... [Suelo] joined the Peace Corps and was posted to an Ecuadoran village high in the Andes [and] charged with monitoring the health of tribespeople in the area. ...The tribe had been getting richer for a decade, and during the two years he was there he watched as the villagers began to adopt the economics of modernity. They sold the food from their fields ... for cash, which they used to purchase things they didn't need, as Suelo describes it. They bought soda and … big bags of MSG to flavor [their] starchy meals. They bought TVs. The more they spent, says Suelo, the more their health declined. He could measure the deterioration on his charts. "It looked," he says, "like money was impoverishing them." [emphasis added]

Well. He could measure it on his charts. In two years, Suelo witnessed a healthy agrarian society embrace capitalism, amass imported goods, incorporate them into their lifestyles, and physiologically deteriorate to a measurable degree. That’s some potent TV.

So, broken by the woe of watching Ecuadorians get what they want, Suelo moved on.
He moved to Moab [Utah] and worked at a women's shelter for five years. He wanted to help people, but getting paid for it seemed dishonest—how real was help that demanded recompense?

Answer: entirely real. But Suelo was evidently so offended by his own salary that he decided to never help anyone, anywhere, ever again. Abandoning society, he holed up in a cave outside Moab and now subsists mostly on whatever he scavenges from daily dumpster-runs into town.

Again, Suelo’s eremitic lifestyle is harmless. If anything, he is (unintentionally) living out a form of libertarian fantasy. It’s the Herculean leaps of cognitive dissonance necessary in reconciling his philosophy with his choices that make him an idiot.

Pick out your own laconic gems from the full Details piece here.

Hat tip to "Darrell" for the article.

July 21, 2009

"I Knew Ward Cleaver. Ward Cleaver was a Friend of Mine. You, Sir, are no Ward Cleaver."


Thank the gods I have crimefighting.

There was a time, after floundering through my twenties from job to job and struggling to find much success at anything, that I embraced the comforting idea that I had been born to be a father. It was my calling, I decided. Protecting, nurturing, and caring for my son would – I was certain – come as naturally to me as drafting did to Frank Lloyd Wright. Just as Ted Williams was a hitter, I would be a father.

The sentiment explained my restlessness at work, since I had no more business pushing pencils than Julia Child had digging ditches, right? I gripped the idea and let it pull me through the workweeks like a rescue rope in a flooded river. I had purpose now; meaning, and motivation.

Reality has been rudely unaccommodating of my expectations. I may be Gretzky in my mind, but fatherhood is more oil painting than ice hockey.

Now, I love my son, and fiercely. I stare at him in my wife’s arms and I know that I would charge the Maginot Line armed with sparklers if that’s what it took to protect him. But that is where he is happiest: in her arms; and the feeling is fairly mutual. I’m frustrated faster than I should be; I’m stymied by his fussing; I’m bored by his squirming. Desperately I want to live up to Heathcliff Huxtable, but each successive evening proves me more Al Bundy. Of course I will never give up, and I’m certain a competent fatherhood will settle in on me just as it has on other men for thousands of years. Still, it would have been nice to be a natural.

So, as I said, thank the gods I have crimefighting. Without that clear and fulfilling calling, I might be left to wonder what the hell I’m here for after all...

July 20, 2009

From gods' Lips: Green Gauntlet on Freedom, by Carolyn Woodward

In June, I had the opportunity to interview members of the Guardian Force while researching my upcoming book on superheroes, "From gods' Lips". One question I posed to every member was: What does freedom mean to you? Portions of their answers will appear in this ongoing series.

First is Guardian Force veteran Green Gauntlet:
Finch is the one hung up on “freedom” as some kind of tangible endgame, like one day the last bonehead will go tits-up and suddenly we’ll all be happy and safe and prosperous.

To me, “freedom” is just a word, like “aspirin” or “Camaro” or “huckleberry”. I’m just trying to build the world I want to live in, you know, one obstacle at a time. You don’t want to let me smoke dope? Frak you, chief. You want to tell me what kind of car I have to drive? Frak you. You want to tell a woman she’s not allowed to sell the most sought-after commodity on Earth – you know what I’m talking about. Triple-frak you. [Laughs] Finch is gonna kill me for that one. But it’s the truth.

See, I’m out here day in, day out taking punches from Rhino-man and dodging lightning bolts and shit. So yeah: say all you want about liberty, freedom, justice. If I’m gonna get my balls blown off for a word, my word is “poon-tang”.

July 17, 2009

Crimefighting for Gumshoes by Chase Leeds

Remember those terrible jokes in kids’ magazines like Boys Life, Highlights, and Barely Legal that paired a fake book title with a clever(ish) author’s name? Think: No More Broccoli! by Kurt Child, or Succeeding as a Lawyer by Sue Yu.

Well, Ann Forest Burns just happens to be the spokeswoman for the American Forest Resource Council, a coincidence that makes this superhero smile. The AFRC is a clever(ish)ly-named timber industry group opposed to President Obama’s reversal of a Bush policy that doubled the amount of logging allowed… Oregon forests… endangered owls… old-growth— Okay, seriously, no one cares.

Whole snorrific NYT article here.

Five minutes’ worth of third-grade name humor here.

July 16, 2009

Leave as a Boy; Come Home as a Really Pedantic Boy


From the July pages of The Economist (the second-best dead-tree magazine around) comes this piece about a humanist summer camp.
Kids aged 8 to 17 share cabins in the woods. During the day, they paddle canoes, shoot arrows, go swimming and explore nature.

But [cue sinister music]:
Lunch comes with a five-minute talk about a famous freethinker. Campers are told that invisible unicorns inhabit the forest, and offered a prize if they can prove that the unicorns do not exist. The older kids learn something about the difficulty of proving a negative. The younger ones grow giggly at the prospect of stepping in invisible unicorn poop.

…Campers are not told that there is no God; only that they should weigh the evidence. They learn about the scientific method. …The kids are encouraged to explore ethical questions, too. The more argumentative ones sit in a clearing and debate the nature of justice.

Granted, this camp probably produces some of the most unbearably condescending 16-year-olds on Earth. But a skeptical mind is life’s most useful tool, so sign baby Wyatt up for 2017.

Plus, archery!

Hat tip to longtime commenter “Ryan” for the article.

July 15, 2009

Egon Warned you not to Cross the Streams


Have you, like millions of other Americans, ever thought: "I like war, but something about it just seems a little too... reverent"? Well fret no longer. The Pentagon (which is now evidently headed by George A Romero) has contracts with a Maryland robotics company that is developing a robot capable of running on... wait for it... dead bodies.

Robotic Technology Inc.'s Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot — that's right, "EATR" — "can find, ingest, and extract energy from biomass in the environment (and other organically-based energy sources), as well as use conventional and alternative fuels (such as gasoline, heavy fuel, kerosene, diesel, propane, coal, cooking oil, and solar) when suitable," reads the company's Web site.

That "biomass" and "other organically-based energy sources" wouldn't necessarily be limited to plant material — animal and human corpses contain plenty of energy, and they'd be plentiful in a war zone.


I'm certain I'm not the only one who recognizes that there is absolutely no difference to a fuel-seeking program between a corpse and a live person. What could possibly go wrong?

July 13, 2009

Liberty's Gunslinger

Radley Balko may just be the Roland Deschain of investigative journalism.

Check out his latest piece on "law enforcement carelessness and callousness" here. Or, make an afternoon of it on his homepage here. You'll not regret it.

Want to Insult People while Maintaining an Air of Superiority? Here's How!

Illogical etymology aside, homophobia specifically describes a fear of homosexuals. Antipathy or outright hatred is covered by the term bigotry, so the nuance is worth exploring. Especially in the context of the new movie Brüno, the Sacha Baron Cohen vehicle and surprising success that just might save Universal Pictures from a disastrous hit-free summer.

Those experiencing homophobia generally describe a niggling fear that they may be sexually approached or desired by someone of their own sex, and they are repulsed by the imagined experience of that encounter. A homophobe may, for example, have no negative reaction at all to a gay celebrity or an actively pro-equality politician, but sharing a barracks, a breakroom, or a bathroom with a homosexual gives them inescapable willies.

Like arachibutyrophobia, the fear is irrational, and the onus is on the individual to temper his behavior in a way that prevents his fear from inhibiting the rights of others. In a reasonable world, homosexuals (who have far better things to do with their time than sexually pursue irrational heterosexuals) and homophobes (who have a responsibility to temper themselves) can exist in mutual ambivalence.

Which brings us to Brüno. Universal Pictures would have us believe that “Brüno uses provocative comedy to powerfully shed light on the absurdity of many kinds of intolerance and ignorance, including homophobia,” but the title character repeatedly goes out of his way to orchestrate the fantastical situations that homophobes fear the most. Texas Congressman Ron Paul sits down for an interview with the unequivocally gay Brüno – seems tolerant, right? – and finally has enough of the charade once Brüno drops his pants and coaxes Paul onto a nearby bed. In another scene, Brüno spends an entire evening trying to raise the discomfort quotient among a group of rugged hunters, eventually confirming their every reservation by sneaking uninvited into one of their tents after lights-out. Now which of these individuals, Universal Pictures, is practicing “absurdity” and “intolerance”?

In Borat, Cohen illuminated anti-Semitism by acting as an anti-Semite, spouting hatred for a mythical enemy and capturing the reactions of those around him. The difference in Brüno is that Cohen has become the boogeyman himself, then (ostensibly, by the studio’s statement) chastises those he encounters for believing in the boogeyman. His portrayal of a predatory homosexual is worse than a minstrel show (a charge leveled all over the Intertubes); Brüno is a landshark to galeophobes. And it is a recipe for turning homophobia into bigotry.

Brüno is very funny. Shame on Universal and Cohen for claiming that it’s something more.

July 8, 2009

Resolved: California still Slightly Freer than Equatorial Guinea

The folks at Foreign Policy and Freedom House have once again done the Guardian Force’s light work, compiling a list of The Least Free Places on Earth.

Most frustrating (in an admittedly ethnocentric kind of way) is probably Turkmenistan, whose people shook the swaddled oppression of the Soviet Union only to enjoy a more local form of totalitarianism:
President Saparmurat Niyazov, the former head of the Turkmen Communist Party, took power in 1991, isolating the country, gutting formal institutions, muzzling the media, and creating an elaborate personality cult around himself, complete with a gold-plated statue in his image that revolved to always face the sun.

Still, as much as these sad, extreme examples may give Americans some perspective-based comfort, it is imperative that freedom not be appreciated by degree. A man trapped nearest the water’s surface is still drowning, no matter how many are trapped deeper. And, unfortunately, the water is rising.

Methodology and data from the report here.

July 7, 2009

See the World! Fight for Liberty! Shirk the Responsibilities of your Personal Life!


The Guardian Force will be holding open auditions on Friday at the Empire City Convention and Government Center from 08:00 to 17:30. After last year’s fiasco, Mayor Daliani has asked me to explicitly mention that singers and dancers – no matter how fabulous – will not be considered. Also no Baldwins, please.

Blast, Nightblade, Ultragirl, and I will interview applicants on a first-come, first-served basis. In addition to raw power, we will be judging specifically on witty banter, dramatic flair, chutzpah, moxie, and costume design. Please be prepared with a headshot, resumé, and a two-minute melee combat routine.

Special note to gadgeteers: You are not superheroes. Take your utility belts, your slightly-faster-than-normal mopeds and your smoke pellets, and go LARP with the rest of the geeks.

June 29, 2009

In Memorial, Televisions will be Muted from 3 to 4 am

TEGUCIGALPA – Billy Mays, television pitchman and secret bodyguard of ousted Honduran President Manuel Zelaya, died around dawn on Sunday during a Guardian Force raid on Zelaya’s home.

Known to Zelaya and the superhero community as “Inciter”, Mays kept his superpowers hidden from the world despite his recent rise to celebrity status in the US. Though he was a formidable foe at the end, Inciter was once a close friend of the Guardian Force and had politely refused membership on more than one occasion.

Inciter frequently fought to promote his view of justice, though his methods often were at odds with the Guardian Force’s overriding ethos. Using his super-powered ability to directly affect humans’ behavior with his voice, Inciter was responsible for both the 1989 Polish Solidarity labor strikes and the 2003 victory of Ruben Studdard over Clay Aiken on American Idol, as well as the unproven-but-otherwise-inexplicable success of Hercules Hooks.

Around 05:00 CST, a Guardian Force strike team consisting of Beyonder, Flatline, Blast, Ultragirl, and myself infiltrated Zelaya’s mansion after the hostile breakdown of a nineteen-hour negotiation for his peaceful surrender. Flatline caught Inciter flat-footed and attempted to neutralize his powers with a gag and taser, but Inciter escaped Flatline’s grapple and immediately used his abilities to turn Flatline against us. Knowing how deadly a zombie-puppet version of Flatline could be, Blast acted decisively, unleashing a powerful force bolt that knocked Inciter through a third-story window. The thirty-foot fall onto the marble patio below stopped Inciter’s heart, and Ultragirl’s efforts to revive him were unsuccessful.

Blast – currently on administrative leave pending an investigation into the deadly raid – has expressed deep regret and has repeatedly reached out to Mays’s family for forgiveness. This is Blast’s ninth recorded accidental killing since joining the Guardian Force in 2006.

Despite his questionable affiliations, Inciter will be mourned, missed, and fondly remembered.

June 24, 2009

As if this Were Necessary: Volume I

Quickchange infiltrated the White House briefing room on Tuesday, looking for some non-verbal cues from President Obama during his daytime press conference. We have our suspicions that Mr Obama may be a Red Leader plant, or possibly even a more-advanced version of the Romneybot 3000.

But instead of subtle hints, Quickchange was witness to outright propaganda:
After the obligatory first question from the Associated Press, Obama treated the overflowing White House briefing room to a surprise. "I know Nico Pitney is here from the Huffington Post," he announced.

Obama knew this because White House aides had called Pitney the day before to invite him, and they had escorted him into the room. They told him the president was likely to call on him, with the understanding that he would ask a question about Iran that had been submitted online by an Iranian.

...Pitney recognized his prompt. "That's right," he said, standing in the aisle and wearing a temporary White House press pass. "I wanted to use this opportunity to ask you a question directly from an Iranian."

Pitney asked his arranged question. Reporters looked at one another in amazement at the stagecraft they were witnessing. White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel grinned at the surprised TV correspondents in the first row.

Whole thing here. It appears former President Bush's press-handling playbook was not among the items removed when the Obamas took up residence in the White House.

June 23, 2009

Not My Father's Crimefighters


The Guardian Force has protected Empire City from dangerous criminals for nearly seven decades. We are the shining legacy of Captain Freedom, the tireless bane of Red Leader, and the stalwart champions of liberty.

But in my absence, the Guardian Force has been paralyzed by the breakup of Jon and Kate.

BrainChild foiled my V-Chip settings soon after I left for the hospital. In addition to TLC -- home of Jon & Kate Plus 8 -- I strictly enforce a no-exceptions block on HGTV, E!, SpikeTV, VH1, and every last cursed incarnation of MTV inside the super-secret Guardian Fortress; now Ultragirl, Viking Warrior, and Frogman are loading up the TiVo with The Hills, Rock of Love II, and My House is Worth What? before I can get back.

Unsurprisingly, I was notified of the mutiny by The Human Mole.

Still to be explored is Jon Gosselin's potential -- or potential threat -- as as a superhero.

June 22, 2009

Quis Custodiet Ipsos Celebutantes?

One thing is now certain: Baby Wyatt is not the magical harbinger of a new era of liberty. Not yet anyway.

The NSA is proving to be relatively immune to Hope 'N Change®, and has far better things to do than serve as Agents of National Security:
According to the reporter who first broke the NSA wiretapping story, there is no proof the agency has scaled back its interception of the personal phone calls and email messages of American citizens as promised by the Obama administration or even that it is being straight with Congress about its activities.

James Risen and Eric Lichtblau revealed the NSA’s over-collection of data in an article for the New York Times on Tuesday, noting that one NSA analyst was even found to have been reading the private email of former President Bill Clinton.

...“It sounded like, from the former NSA analyst that we interviewed, that it was rare to access the emails of celebrities or famous people,” Risen stated, “but that it was fairly routine, according to him, for people to access the emails of girlfriends or wives or other people that they might know.”

So wives, girlfriends (or both!) and former Poti* are routinely monitored by the NSA, but at least trolling through celebrities' email is "rare".

See the whole damn thing here.

*Is there a plural of POTUS?

June 21, 2009

Maternity Malcontent. Or, Neonatal Nefariousness

Despite checking in under my secret identity, I'm beginning to suspect my archenemy Red Leader is orchestrating the staff here at the hospital. My infrequent sleep is constantly interrupted, and they have been withholding food since day one. The few foot-massages my wife has had time to offer me seem to always be a second priority at best, and my morale is suffering.

Still, the boy is gaining strength. Many of the world's greatest superheroes did not develop powers until puberty, so hope is not lost. And things could always be worse.

June 20, 2009

Scotticus: TNG


Wyatt was born yesterday at 20:24. So far there is no sign of him being superpowered, and to be honest I have my doubts that he could even overcome a low-level henchman at this stage.

For years I swore no son of mine would ever grow up to be a sidekick, but... perhaps I've been rash. I look into his face and I know that I will still love him even if he never develops the crimefighting moxie to carry his own storyline.

But by the gods, if some supercycle-riding gadgeteer ever tries to put Wyatt in a sidecar, he'll have a whole new nemesis on his hands.