June 29, 2009

In Memorial, Televisions will be Muted from 3 to 4 am

TEGUCIGALPA – Billy Mays, television pitchman and secret bodyguard of ousted Honduran President Manuel Zelaya, died around dawn on Sunday during a Guardian Force raid on Zelaya’s home.

Known to Zelaya and the superhero community as “Inciter”, Mays kept his superpowers hidden from the world despite his recent rise to celebrity status in the US. Though he was a formidable foe at the end, Inciter was once a close friend of the Guardian Force and had politely refused membership on more than one occasion.

Inciter frequently fought to promote his view of justice, though his methods often were at odds with the Guardian Force’s overriding ethos. Using his super-powered ability to directly affect humans’ behavior with his voice, Inciter was responsible for both the 1989 Polish Solidarity labor strikes and the 2003 victory of Ruben Studdard over Clay Aiken on American Idol, as well as the unproven-but-otherwise-inexplicable success of Hercules Hooks.

Around 05:00 CST, a Guardian Force strike team consisting of Beyonder, Flatline, Blast, Ultragirl, and myself infiltrated Zelaya’s mansion after the hostile breakdown of a nineteen-hour negotiation for his peaceful surrender. Flatline caught Inciter flat-footed and attempted to neutralize his powers with a gag and taser, but Inciter escaped Flatline’s grapple and immediately used his abilities to turn Flatline against us. Knowing how deadly a zombie-puppet version of Flatline could be, Blast acted decisively, unleashing a powerful force bolt that knocked Inciter through a third-story window. The thirty-foot fall onto the marble patio below stopped Inciter’s heart, and Ultragirl’s efforts to revive him were unsuccessful.

Blast – currently on administrative leave pending an investigation into the deadly raid – has expressed deep regret and has repeatedly reached out to Mays’s family for forgiveness. This is Blast’s ninth recorded accidental killing since joining the Guardian Force in 2006.

Despite his questionable affiliations, Inciter will be mourned, missed, and fondly remembered.

June 24, 2009

As if this Were Necessary: Volume I

Quickchange infiltrated the White House briefing room on Tuesday, looking for some non-verbal cues from President Obama during his daytime press conference. We have our suspicions that Mr Obama may be a Red Leader plant, or possibly even a more-advanced version of the Romneybot 3000.

But instead of subtle hints, Quickchange was witness to outright propaganda:
After the obligatory first question from the Associated Press, Obama treated the overflowing White House briefing room to a surprise. "I know Nico Pitney is here from the Huffington Post," he announced.

Obama knew this because White House aides had called Pitney the day before to invite him, and they had escorted him into the room. They told him the president was likely to call on him, with the understanding that he would ask a question about Iran that had been submitted online by an Iranian.

...Pitney recognized his prompt. "That's right," he said, standing in the aisle and wearing a temporary White House press pass. "I wanted to use this opportunity to ask you a question directly from an Iranian."

Pitney asked his arranged question. Reporters looked at one another in amazement at the stagecraft they were witnessing. White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel grinned at the surprised TV correspondents in the first row.

Whole thing here. It appears former President Bush's press-handling playbook was not among the items removed when the Obamas took up residence in the White House.

June 23, 2009

Not My Father's Crimefighters


The Guardian Force has protected Empire City from dangerous criminals for nearly seven decades. We are the shining legacy of Captain Freedom, the tireless bane of Red Leader, and the stalwart champions of liberty.

But in my absence, the Guardian Force has been paralyzed by the breakup of Jon and Kate.

BrainChild foiled my V-Chip settings soon after I left for the hospital. In addition to TLC -- home of Jon & Kate Plus 8 -- I strictly enforce a no-exceptions block on HGTV, E!, SpikeTV, VH1, and every last cursed incarnation of MTV inside the super-secret Guardian Fortress; now Ultragirl, Viking Warrior, and Frogman are loading up the TiVo with The Hills, Rock of Love II, and My House is Worth What? before I can get back.

Unsurprisingly, I was notified of the mutiny by The Human Mole.

Still to be explored is Jon Gosselin's potential -- or potential threat -- as as a superhero.

June 22, 2009

Quis Custodiet Ipsos Celebutantes?

One thing is now certain: Baby Wyatt is not the magical harbinger of a new era of liberty. Not yet anyway.

The NSA is proving to be relatively immune to Hope 'N Change®, and has far better things to do than serve as Agents of National Security:
According to the reporter who first broke the NSA wiretapping story, there is no proof the agency has scaled back its interception of the personal phone calls and email messages of American citizens as promised by the Obama administration or even that it is being straight with Congress about its activities.

James Risen and Eric Lichtblau revealed the NSA’s over-collection of data in an article for the New York Times on Tuesday, noting that one NSA analyst was even found to have been reading the private email of former President Bill Clinton.

...“It sounded like, from the former NSA analyst that we interviewed, that it was rare to access the emails of celebrities or famous people,” Risen stated, “but that it was fairly routine, according to him, for people to access the emails of girlfriends or wives or other people that they might know.”

So wives, girlfriends (or both!) and former Poti* are routinely monitored by the NSA, but at least trolling through celebrities' email is "rare".

See the whole damn thing here.

*Is there a plural of POTUS?

June 21, 2009

Maternity Malcontent. Or, Neonatal Nefariousness

Despite checking in under my secret identity, I'm beginning to suspect my archenemy Red Leader is orchestrating the staff here at the hospital. My infrequent sleep is constantly interrupted, and they have been withholding food since day one. The few foot-massages my wife has had time to offer me seem to always be a second priority at best, and my morale is suffering.

Still, the boy is gaining strength. Many of the world's greatest superheroes did not develop powers until puberty, so hope is not lost. And things could always be worse.

June 20, 2009

Scotticus: TNG


Wyatt was born yesterday at 20:24. So far there is no sign of him being superpowered, and to be honest I have my doubts that he could even overcome a low-level henchman at this stage.

For years I swore no son of mine would ever grow up to be a sidekick, but... perhaps I've been rash. I look into his face and I know that I will still love him even if he never develops the crimefighting moxie to carry his own storyline.

But by the gods, if some supercycle-riding gadgeteer ever tries to put Wyatt in a sidecar, he'll have a whole new nemesis on his hands.