Mobile Ala. Police, Tired of Being Punked by Stephen Hawking, Lower the Bar

Back on July 10, the Guardian Force held open auditions to fill a roster spot. Turnout was disappointing to say the least, and in the end we decided none of the applicants had the goods.

Enter: Antonio Love, aka The Human Terror.

Love, a resident of Mobile Alabama, strikes an unholy fear into the hearts of men so deeply and thoroughly that even the bravest among us dare not look him in the withering eye. Just last week (and I am not making this up) local police attacked Love while he was most vulnerable – sitting on the toilet in a Dollar General Store. Love, who is both deaf AND mentally retarded (not to mention battling the runs), relayed the day’s events through a hand-written note:

"I wait and sit toilet," Love's note read. "I think about someone try break door. I hold door hard."

At that point, ... [the officers] shot pepper spray under the door.

"The police arrive General Dollar and throw poison through under the door ... I can smell poison and I'm amazing and shock."

Love turned the water on to wash the irritating chemicals off his face. "Then I'm think someone gone."

The officers ... [had gone] to get a tire iron to pry the door open.

"Then again someone knock knock," the note reads. "My head hold door, and my hand put hold lock the door. I spit poison with water. Someone hit hard hard."

The officers broke into the room.

"I'm almost fall and surprise the police here. The police get the tazz three strings in my stomach, chest and hand and hit my head. I'm falled."

...Love said he did not open the door because he thought "the devil was trying to come in."

Anyone who is so powerful – despite being deaf, retarded, and shitting – that he must be gassed, Tasered, beaten, and handcuffed just to get him to step out of the bathroom will always have a place among the Guardian Force.