Showing posts with label SF EXCLUSIVE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SF EXCLUSIVE. Show all posts

March 17, 2011

Eloy [Vargas], Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?!


The calls started coming in December.

“Are you doing your coin-flip bracket this year? I can’t wait!” – Gene, Knoxville TN

“Who do the coins like this year?! OMG I LOVED the coin-flip bracket!!!” – Andrea, Chicago IL

“You MUST do the coin-flip bracket again this year! Also, you are very attractive and charming.” – Cecilia, Climax PA

Well, loyal acolytes, Scotticus hears your cries. The man who put the "gnostic” in “prognostication” has once again obliterated the limits of human thumb muscles, flipped nearly 1000 coins, and brought you the March Madness equivalent of a donkey-kick to the gonads:

North Carolina brings home banner number six.

Last year, my system picked Duke. This year: those filthy Tar Heels. I can only assume next year’s bracket will find a way to crown either Kim Jong Il or Michael Bay as NCAA champs.

I’m going to go vomit for the next three weeks. Here’s your stupid bracket:


Go here to see the details of the system I used, and here to see how chance is way smarter than you.

October 7, 2010

I've Got Google™, a Cell Phone, and Confirmation Bias. What More Does a Journalist Need?

[UPDATE added below]

I have potentially devastating -- for Kentucky Attorney General Jack Conway -- information in my possession, and I did everything possible to corroborate it. But I failed, and instead what I have is a rumor. So, sadly, rather than this post being about the facts of a major national development, it is a journal of my unsuccessful attempt to fit together pieces of gossip into a certifiable account of events. Once again, I must be clear that none of this information has been confirmed by a second source or by documentation. I encourage skepticism.

Last week, a trusted source intimated to me that Ky Attorney General Jack Conway had deliberately impeded a police investigation into Conway's own brother by exposing an undercover police informant. My source's details were thus:

Louisville (Ky) Metro Police were using an informant to gather information on Conway's brother, who is suspected to be involved in illegal narcotics. In June or July of 2010, LMPD Detective Roy Irons* placed an unsanctioned call to Attorney General Conway's office to alert Conway to the investigation, and Irons specifically communicated that one of Conway's brother's associates was a police informant. Conway then called and warned his brother. The informant later complained to LMPD that someone had tipped Conway off, and an internal investigation was opened. Detective Irons was moved to the LMPD Property Room pending the investigation, but the investigation itself was to be shelved until after the November 2010 US Senate election.
The first phonecall of my own investigation was to the LMPD Property Room. I called on a Saturday and when a woman answered "Hello, Property Room" I replied, "I am trying to reach Detective Roy Irons. Do I have the right number?" The woman answered, "Yes, but he's not in today. He should be here Monday." With that, I thought I was actually on to something, since under normal circumstances, a detective would not be assigned to work the Property Room.

But shortly thereafter, my Woodward and Bernstein days were over. Calls to the LMPD Public and Media Relations Department and to Internal Affairs were met with a professional stonewall, and I discovered that LMPD is not under any public obligation to acknowledge an internal investigation even exists until that investigation is concluded, which in this case is part of the issue. An investigation that began in July should have been over long ago.

My next step was to try and co-opt an actual working journalist. I chose to contact a writer with the Louisville Courier-Journal who had an impressive history of investigative pieces on the LMPD. That writer indicated that not all of my information was entirely new, but without a primary source or physical evidence, the story was doomed to the "interesting rumor" file. He tried his best to arrange talks directly with my original source, but that individual declined to escalate his/her involvement for myriad reasons. I can only assume the Courier-Journal is also chasing the story on some level.

Two corroborating documents exist, but my efforts to access them were also dismal failures. One is an obligatory letter from a high-ranking LMPD officer -- most likely Chief Robert White -- informing Det. Irons that he is being investigated. This letter would not include any details of the investigation and would certainly not implicate the Attorney General's office, but it would lend credence. The second document would be an official transfer report showing that Det. Irons had been re-assigned to the Property Room. It also would not detail the investigation. If any part of this story is true, both of these documents would be carefully protected.

Ultimately, there are only three people who could truly confirm the juiciest bit of the allegations involving a justice-obstructing phonecall that put a police informant at risk: Attorney General Conway, his brother, or Det. Irons. An official internal investigation may eventually deduce the truth, but if such an investigation even exists, it is unlikely to be concluded before Election Day.  Motivations to procrastinate abound.


*Pending additional evidence, this name has been changed to protect the innocent.

UPDATE: Looks like the Courier-Journal was hot on the trail after all. The important part:
Jack Conway’s office said in an e-mail to the newspaper Thursday that his only involvement was to advise his brother to obtain legal counsel.

...

Although he was asked to discuss his knowledge of the investigation involving his brother and the meeting with Adams, Jack Conway’s statement did not address either issue.

When the newspaper renewed its request for elaboration, Allison Gardner Martin, communications director for the attorney general’s office, said Conway “does not deny” that Adams met with him and his brother. But she declined to address what Conway knew about the decision to have Adams visit White.

May 13, 2010

Freedom Loaf



Mrs Finch was out of town for a week and I was left to hunt and/or gather my own food. For six out of seven days, I subsisted mostly on packets of unsweetened Kool-Aid mix and potpourri, but on day seven -- glorious day seven! -- I reached deep into the pantry and created a meal. Gentle readers, I give you... The Freedom Loaf*:

1 lb ground beef
1 egg, beaten like Gordon Brown
1/2 cup O'Charley's honey mustard
1/2 cup ketchup
1/4 cup Frank's Red Hot sauce
1 tbsp Dale's Steak Seasoning
1 tsp chipotle chile powder
2 cups garlic and onion croutons, pummeled angrily to dust
salt and pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mush everything into a big pale greyish lump and plop into any pan with sides (1" or deeper). Cook uncovered for one hour. Remove from oven using clean(ish) bathmat since you can't find a potholder. Scrape the fat drippings from the edges to give to your dogs, then slice meatloaf and serve with Cool Ranch Doritos or Nutter Butters.

*That's right. Scotticus Finch's milestone 100th post is a meatloaf recipe. Deal.

May 5, 2010

"And Now I Know for Sure, I Just Added More Guys to My Wolf Pack"

The Scotticus Finch talent scouts and headhunters have been hard at work the last few weeks trying to lock down contracts on some new contributing columnists for the blog. After several false starts, the team has convinced me we cannot actually charge writers a fee to contribute here, and that somehow we should be focusing on enticing them instead.

Hrmph. You kids, with your Super Nintendos, your Huey Lewis rock and roll music, and your expectations of being compensated for work...

So keep an eye out for the "posted by" line after each post in the coming months. I am not yet at liberty to divulge the names of our most-promising targets, but let's just say that if you've spent much time loitering behind the downtown YMCA or standing in line for Rob Schneider films, you're already familiar with the type of folks we're after.

(And to Naomi Klein: Please stop sending muffin baskets to the office. It ain't happening.)

Title explained -- as if I needed to -- here.

April 8, 2010

Legendary Beast Captured, Proves Ancient People Were 'Fraidy-Cats

Legitimate question to journalists: What exactly would you say you "do" here?

The headline of this UK Telegraph piece reads "'Oriental yeti' discovered in China". Now, ask anyone on the entire planet to describe a yeti, and I guarantee not a single one of them will describe this:



But the Telegraph is in the clear, because, you see, they used apostrophes. They were only reporting that this mangy civet had been "dubbed" an 'Oriental yeti'. "Dubbed by whom?" might be a logical question, though it's one the Telegraph didn't feel the need to answer.

So, now that the standard operating procedure has been established, I would like to announce that Scotticus Finch, 'the world's most-trusted blog', has discovered 'unequivocal proof' that the 'Queen of England' is 'actually a man'.

All claims have been thoroughly dubbed.

March 19, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Teenagers Unpredictable!

Out of 36 entries in my office NCAA bracket pool, the Coin-Flip Algorithm entry is in sole possession of second place after one day of games.

My fortunes now hinge on a player from UCSB finding magic shoes hanging from a power line.

October 9, 2009

BREAKING NEWS! SCOTTICUSFINCH EXCLUSIVE!

ScotticusFinch has received reliable information indicating that later today Barack Obama will be announced as the winner of the Cannes Film Festival's Palme d'Or for his VHS film "Bears @ Browns Sasha's Swim Meet".

Developing...

UPDATE: According to exclusive ScotticusFinch information, this afternoon President Barack Obama will hold a press conference accepting this year's Fields Medal for his work in calculating an exact 15% tip on a $109 dinner bill split two ways.

Developing...

UPDATE: Insiders have confirmed to ScotticusFinch that yesterday Barack Obama was unanimously named "World's Best Grandma" by the Association for Research on Mothering. White House spokesman Robert Gibbs describes Obama as "glib".

Developing...

June 29, 2009

In Memorial, Televisions will be Muted from 3 to 4 am

TEGUCIGALPA – Billy Mays, television pitchman and secret bodyguard of ousted Honduran President Manuel Zelaya, died around dawn on Sunday during a Guardian Force raid on Zelaya’s home.

Known to Zelaya and the superhero community as “Inciter”, Mays kept his superpowers hidden from the world despite his recent rise to celebrity status in the US. Though he was a formidable foe at the end, Inciter was once a close friend of the Guardian Force and had politely refused membership on more than one occasion.

Inciter frequently fought to promote his view of justice, though his methods often were at odds with the Guardian Force’s overriding ethos. Using his super-powered ability to directly affect humans’ behavior with his voice, Inciter was responsible for both the 1989 Polish Solidarity labor strikes and the 2003 victory of Ruben Studdard over Clay Aiken on American Idol, as well as the unproven-but-otherwise-inexplicable success of Hercules Hooks.

Around 05:00 CST, a Guardian Force strike team consisting of Beyonder, Flatline, Blast, Ultragirl, and myself infiltrated Zelaya’s mansion after the hostile breakdown of a nineteen-hour negotiation for his peaceful surrender. Flatline caught Inciter flat-footed and attempted to neutralize his powers with a gag and taser, but Inciter escaped Flatline’s grapple and immediately used his abilities to turn Flatline against us. Knowing how deadly a zombie-puppet version of Flatline could be, Blast acted decisively, unleashing a powerful force bolt that knocked Inciter through a third-story window. The thirty-foot fall onto the marble patio below stopped Inciter’s heart, and Ultragirl’s efforts to revive him were unsuccessful.

Blast – currently on administrative leave pending an investigation into the deadly raid – has expressed deep regret and has repeatedly reached out to Mays’s family for forgiveness. This is Blast’s ninth recorded accidental killing since joining the Guardian Force in 2006.

Despite his questionable affiliations, Inciter will be mourned, missed, and fondly remembered.