Goofus and Gallant, Special Illinois Edition

Gallant says, even though he is a police officer, he should be treated like everyone else.

Goofus tries to prove it by getting drunk, firing a gun outside a bowling alley, and waiting to see if he gets convicted.

He did not.

Bonus seek-and-find for the kids: Try and spot the minor drug possession arrest!

The Simpsons Proudly Declares Cowardice

The Simpsons has a running gag in the opening credits where Bart repeatedly writes something pithy on the blackboard at school.

Here was last night's:

If you are not familiar with the recent South Park controversy, get caught up here.

I don't know what to make of the Simpsons statement. My initial interpretation is that the writers -- and not necessarily the FOX network -- admire South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker's courage, but admit they have none of their own, which is a decidedly odd message to advertise.

So far FOX has not commented, and judging by the implied message I assume they never will. Were I Stone or Parker, my response would have to be "Thanks... for nothing."

No Word Yet on Film Adaptations of "McDonald's" or "Uno"

Fingers... cramping. Eye... twitching. Teeth... grinding.

Must... Contain... Fury...

Apologies in advance for my lack of commentary on the following link. There simply isn't much to be said.

Obviously Hollywood has reached the point where the only question that matters in getting a movie made is: "Have people heard of this thing?" No layered characterization, no subtle symbolism, no triumphant story arc can trump the simple reality that people no longer want to go to the movies unless they know beforehand exactly what their $12 is buying.

So, rather than marvelous films (but potential risks) like The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Memento, or Moulin Rouge, the future of American Cinema instead looks like this:

The Marmaduke Movie

It's the bed we've made, America.  Now go lay down!

Munich Motel Sign: "Heisenberg Might Have Slept Here"

Any closeted fan of junky extreme TV science like SpikeTV's Deadliest Warrior (Tonight: who would win in a real-life fight between a 1st-Century Gallic Warrior and a tweeked Aerosmith roadie with nunchucks?!?) or ESPN's Sport Science (As this graph shows, the centripetal force of LeBron's dunk could literally kill a vampire!) will appreciate this cartoon from Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal (Click to enlarge.):

I'm Thankful for Howard Hesseman

Has there ever been a television series that didn't air the obligatory Thanksgiving episode, where everyone in the peer group is somehow (wackily!) prevented from having dinner with their actual family, and instead spends it with the rest of the (wacky!) cast?

From Cheers to Friends (a multiple-repeat offender) to Felicity, the recipe is a stalwart, and I guarantee if your DVR keeps even moderately busy this week, you'll catch at least one of your new favorite shows dusting it off again.

Fortunately, thanks to Al Gore's Internets, everyone on earth can bask in the glory of the WKRP in Cincinnati "Turkeys Away" episode. For those enslaved by IT overlords who refuse you access to Hulu.com, whet your beaks here, then check it out from home.

Learn all about the first Thanksgiving here.

Learn how to say "thanks" in two dozen languages here.

Read Abraham Lincoln's Thanksgiving Proclamation here.

And remember the words of Johnny Carson:

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then they discover once a year is way too often.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Even Superheroes get the TSA Blues

In the past, Avian Silver handled all of The Guardian Force's air travel manually. Since his extradition for trafficking in illegal stomp porn, however, we have all been subject to the carnivals of ineptitude formerly known as commercial airports.

Recently, a stalwart minion of the TSA relieved me of my nail-clippers, despite the fact that the clippers were already missing the little under-nail gunk extraction blade. Very well. But my ultra-stabby, spring-loaded, aluminum-tipped umbrella of doom? No sweat; step right through, sir.

Que será, será. Really, I'm just excited for an excuse to post this:


Cartoon via XKCD; link via (surprise, surprise) Hit & Run.

His Out-of-Frame Hand is Choking a Puppy

1000 Guardian Force Superbucks to the first person who puts this on a T-shirt and sends me a picture.



(Incalculable thanks to the Internet's most disturbed librarian: SugarFree.)