From Hell's Heart, I Blog at Thee

I don’t have much time.

For the last month I have been held captive in some sort of highly-secured windowless cell. I am perpetually blindfolded, but based on the sickening odors, I have deduced that I am either downwind of a dysenteric Tibetan yak farm or somewhere in Detroit.

I cajoled a guard into allowing me to use his iPhone by promising him I could copy over all the contacts stuck on his old phone, so I only have time for a quick post and maybe three hands of Party Poker.

Do not forsake me, my Scotticus Finch acolytes. Like the heroic Balloon Boy, I will inevitably pop up inexplicably close to where you last saw me, none the worse for wear, and just as misanthropic as you remembered.

Mostly, I can’t wait to escape so I can finally find out what ingenious plan British Petroleum and President Obama implemented to quickly and efficiently stop that silly little oil leak in the Gulf. Remember that? What a slightly inconvenient nuisance that must have been for a few fish in the immediate area and absolutely no one else on Earth. USA! USA! USA!

Seattle Boy Makes a Wish, Superpowered Blogger Cries Like a Woman

I got a significant amount of flak for my rail against Cormac McCarthy's The Road last month. As an active misanthrope with pessimistic proclivities, the fledgling joy I find in life comes from those bright, unexpected moments -- your favorite song on the radio just as you start the car, clear sunny skies on your day off, a toddler cracking up at his own reflection. Those moments simply didn't exist in McCarthy's world.

Thankfully they do in ours:

Thursday was shaping up to be just another school day for 13-year-old Erik Martin, but then something extraordinary happened: Spider-Man called.

Spider-Man happens to be one of the few people who knows that Erik, too, has a secret identity — he's Electron Boy, a superhero who fights the powers of evil with light.

And Spider-Man needed Erik's help.

Erik, who is living with liver cancer, has always wanted to be a superhero. On Thursday, the regional chapter of the Make-A-Wish Foundation granted him that wish with an elaborate event that involved hundreds of volunteers in Bellevue and Seattle.[...]

Pulling off a wish like this one required a big story, and a lot of heart. And so, with a note of panic in his voice, Spider-Man explained the dilemma: "Dr. Dark" and "Blackout Boy" had imprisoned the Seattle Sounders [soccer team] in a locker room at Qwest Field. Only Electron Boy could free them.

Erik got into his red-and-blue superhero costume, and called on the powers of Moonshine Maid, who owns a DeLorean sports car. For good measure, more than 20 motorcycle officers from the Bellevue Police Department and King County and Snohomish sheriff's offices escorted Electron Boy to Seattle.

"They shut down 405 — they shut down I-90," marveled Moonshine Maid, aka Misty Peterson. "I thought it would just be me, in the car."

At Qwest Field, Electron Boy was directed by frantic fans to the Sounders locker room, where the entire team was shouting for help behind jammed doors. With a little help from Lightning Lad, the alter ego of local actor Rob Burgess, Erik opened the door with his lightning rod. The Sounders cheered.[...]

Electron Boy seemed a little dazed by his powers. Out on Qwest Field, the Sounders gave Erik a hero's congratulations, posed for pictures and gave him a jersey and autographed ball.

Everyone was startled when, overhead, the Jumbotron crackled to life.

"Electron Boy, I am Dr. Dark and this is Blackout Boy," sneered an evil voice, as the villain — Edgar Hansen, and his sidekick Jake Anderson, both of Discovery Channel's "Deadliest Catch" — taunted the young superhero. "We are here to take over Seattle and make it dark!"

On the Jumbotron, a video showed a Puget Sound Electric employee Jim Hutchinson trapped in the top of his bucket truck in front of PSE's Bellevue headquarters. Only Electron Boy could save him.[...]

More than 250 PSE employees gathered outside the company's headquarters and cheered as Electron Boy freed the trapped worker. "It was so loud, people in office buildings were looking out the window," said Make-A-Wish communications director Jeannette Tarcha.

But Dr. Dark and Blackout Boy were still at large. Electron Boy got a tip that the evil duo were at the Space Needle, where they had disabled the elevator and trapped people on the observation deck. Racing back to Seattle, Electron Boy stepped out of the DeLorean to a cheering crowd of dozens of admirers, and confronted his nemesis.

"How did you find us, Electron Boy?" Dr. Dark demanded.

Erik wordlessly leapt at Dr. Dark with his lightning rod, freezing the villain. Then he unlocked the elevator and freed the people trapped upstairs.[...]

Seattle City Councilwoman Sally Bagshaw stepped forward with a key to the city and a proclamation that Thursday was Electron Boy Day. Afterward, Erik posed for the TV cameras, flexed his muscles and spent some time astride a Bellevue police motorcycle.[...]

Watching her son run across the plaza in front of the Space Needle, mom Judy Martin said Erik goes to school when he's able, but is often too tired. "He hasn't had this much energy in a long time," she said. "They called it the power of the wish, and they're right."

Like any good superhero, Electron Boy kept his innermost thoughts to himself. But he did have one important thing to say:

"This is the best day of my life."

From the Seattle Times here. Cormac McCarthy's powers are no match for Erik.

"Fireflies" by Owl City is a Terrible, Terrible, Terrible Song

There's a lot of downtime as a super-powered crimefighter. To help ease the boredom of sitting around in a secret underground lair waiting for evil to rear its head, I had satellite radio installed, and the team settled democratically on the "Top-40 Hits" station.

Now, at least four times a day, I am subjected to "Fireflies" by Owl City. To complement the grating, ubiquitous robot voice that's now overused by everyone from Cher to Ke$ha to T-Pain, "Fireflies" employs some of the most pedantic, saccharine lyrics since Raffi rowed a boat. Masticate, if you dare:

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

[The song breaks for a moment here to allow the listener to empty his vomit bucket and replace the liner.]

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

Sheesh. Singer / "songwriter" Adam Young says he was "inspired" to "write" the "lyrics" while camping. He saw a bunch of bugs and "After that night, it got me thinking", he said. So a swarm of bugs got you thinking about writing a song about a swarm of bugs? That's deep, man.

As a public service, I offer the following palate-cleanser:

"There must be some way out of here," said the joker to the thief
"There's too much confusion, I can't get no relief
Businessmen, they drink my wine, ploughmen dig my earth
None of them along the line know what any of it is worth"

"No reason to get excited," the thief, he kindly spoke
"There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke
But you and I, we've been through that, and this is not our fate
So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late."

All along the watchtower, princes kept the view
While all the women came and went, barefoot servants, too

Outside in the distance a wildcat did growl
Two riders were approaching, the wind began to howl

From Bob Dylan's "All Along the Watchtower". What are your favorite / least-favorite lyrics? Share with the class in the comments section.

Even Superheroes get the TSA Blues

In the past, Avian Silver handled all of The Guardian Force's air travel manually. Since his extradition for trafficking in illegal stomp porn, however, we have all been subject to the carnivals of ineptitude formerly known as commercial airports.

Recently, a stalwart minion of the TSA relieved me of my nail-clippers, despite the fact that the clippers were already missing the little under-nail gunk extraction blade. Very well. But my ultra-stabby, spring-loaded, aluminum-tipped umbrella of doom? No sweat; step right through, sir.

Que será, será. Really, I'm just excited for an excuse to post this:


Cartoon via XKCD; link via (surprise, surprise) Hit & Run.

Mobile Ala. Police, Tired of Being Punked by Stephen Hawking, Lower the Bar

Back on July 10, the Guardian Force held open auditions to fill a roster spot. Turnout was disappointing to say the least, and in the end we decided none of the applicants had the goods.

Enter: Antonio Love, aka The Human Terror.

Love, a resident of Mobile Alabama, strikes an unholy fear into the hearts of men so deeply and thoroughly that even the bravest among us dare not look him in the withering eye. Just last week (and I am not making this up) local police attacked Love while he was most vulnerable – sitting on the toilet in a Dollar General Store. Love, who is both deaf AND mentally retarded (not to mention battling the runs), relayed the day’s events through a hand-written note:

"I wait and sit toilet," Love's note read. "I think about someone try break door. I hold door hard."

At that point, ... [the officers] shot pepper spray under the door.

"The police arrive General Dollar and throw poison through under the door ... I can smell poison and I'm amazing and shock."

Love turned the water on to wash the irritating chemicals off his face. "Then I'm think someone gone."

The officers ... [had gone] to get a tire iron to pry the door open.

"Then again someone knock knock," the note reads. "My head hold door, and my hand put hold lock the door. I spit poison with water. Someone hit hard hard."

The officers broke into the room.

"I'm almost fall and surprise the police here. The police get the tazz three strings in my stomach, chest and hand and hit my head. I'm falled."

...Love said he did not open the door because he thought "the devil was trying to come in."

Anyone who is so powerful – despite being deaf, retarded, and shitting – that he must be gassed, Tasered, beaten, and handcuffed just to get him to step out of the bathroom will always have a place among the Guardian Force.

Political Porcine Protagonist Pursued by Perturbed Police

In Aaron Sorkin’s political wet dream The American President, plucky presidential advisor Lewis (played pluckily by the plucky Michael J Fox), describes the American hero-need thusly:

People want leadership, Mr. President, and in the absence of genuine leadership, they'll listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand.

Or, evidently, root for a feral pig. Following Ron Paul’s failure to place in a single presidential primary, Bob Barr’s failure to be more man than moustache, and Barack Obama’s failure to keep any of his campaign promises that would have reduced the power of the federal government, libertarians have pinned their inspiration to a pig.

My favorite part:

”It’s not easy [to catch]. You have a 150-pound pig with an attitude,” said Jim Crosby, director of Bay County Animal Control.

For the record, 150 pounds is 15 pounds less than Justin Timberlake weighs. The Guardian Force's bid to catch the pig was rejected by County authorities as "prohibitively expensive".

From gods' Lips: Green Gauntlet on Freedom, by Carolyn Woodward

In June, I had the opportunity to interview members of the Guardian Force while researching my upcoming book on superheroes, "From gods' Lips". One question I posed to every member was: What does freedom mean to you? Portions of their answers will appear in this ongoing series.

First is Guardian Force veteran Green Gauntlet:

Finch is the one hung up on “freedom” as some kind of tangible endgame, like one day the last bonehead will go tits-up and suddenly we’ll all be happy and safe and prosperous.

To me, “freedom” is just a word, like “aspirin” or “Camaro” or “huckleberry”. I’m just trying to build the world I want to live in, you know, one obstacle at a time. You don’t want to let me smoke dope? Frak you, chief. You want to tell me what kind of car I have to drive? Frak you. You want to tell a woman she’s not allowed to sell the most sought-after commodity on Earth – you know what I’m talking about. Triple-frak you. [Laughs] Finch is gonna kill me for that one. But it’s the truth.

See, I’m out here day in, day out taking punches from Rhino-man and dodging lightning bolts and shit. So yeah: say all you want about liberty, freedom, justice. If I’m gonna get my balls blown off for a word, my word is “poon-tang”.

See the World! Fight for Liberty! Shirk the Responsibilities of your Personal Life!

The Guardian Force will be holding open auditions on Friday at the Empire City Convention and Government Center from 08:00 to 17:30. After last year’s fiasco, Mayor Daliani has asked me to explicitly mention that singers and dancers – no matter how fabulous – will not be considered. Also no Baldwins, please.

Blast, Nightblade, Ultragirl, and I will interview applicants on a first-come, first-served basis. In addition to raw power, we will be judging specifically on witty banter, dramatic flair, chutzpah, moxie, and costume design. Please be prepared with a headshot, resumé, and a two-minute melee combat routine.

Special note to gadgeteers: You are not superheroes. Take your utility belts, your slightly-faster-than-normal mopeds and your smoke pellets, and go LARP with the rest of the geeks.

In Memorial, Televisions will be Muted from 3 to 4 am

TEGUCIGALPA – Billy Mays, television pitchman and secret bodyguard of ousted Honduran President Manuel Zelaya, died around dawn on Sunday during a Guardian Force raid on Zelaya’s home.

Known to Zelaya and the superhero community as “Inciter”, Mays kept his superpowers hidden from the world despite his recent rise to celebrity status in the US. Though he was a formidable foe at the end, Inciter was once a close friend of the Guardian Force and had politely refused membership on more than one occasion.

Inciter frequently fought to promote his view of justice, though his methods often were at odds with the Guardian Force’s overriding ethos. Using his super-powered ability to directly affect humans’ behavior with his voice, Inciter was responsible for both the 1989 Polish Solidarity labor strikes and the 2003 victory of Ruben Studdard over Clay Aiken on American Idol, as well as the unproven-but-otherwise-inexplicable success of Hercules Hooks.

Around 05:00 CST, a Guardian Force strike team consisting of Beyonder, Flatline, Blast, Ultragirl, and myself infiltrated Zelaya’s mansion after the hostile breakdown of a nineteen-hour negotiation for his peaceful surrender. Flatline caught Inciter flat-footed and attempted to neutralize his powers with a gag and taser, but Inciter escaped Flatline’s grapple and immediately used his abilities to turn Flatline against us. Knowing how deadly a zombie-puppet version of Flatline could be, Blast acted decisively, unleashing a powerful force bolt that knocked Inciter through a third-story window. The thirty-foot fall onto the marble patio below stopped Inciter’s heart, and Ultragirl’s efforts to revive him were unsuccessful.

Blast – currently on administrative leave pending an investigation into the deadly raid – has expressed deep regret and has repeatedly reached out to Mays’s family for forgiveness. This is Blast’s ninth recorded accidental killing since joining the Guardian Force in 2006.

Despite his questionable affiliations, Inciter will be mourned, missed, and fondly remembered.

As if this Were Necessary: Volume I

Quickchange infiltrated the White House briefing room on Tuesday, looking for some non-verbal cues from President Obama during his daytime press conference. We have our suspicions that Mr Obama may be a Red Leader plant, or possibly even a more-advanced version of the Romneybot 3000.

But instead of subtle hints, Quickchange was witness to outright propaganda:

After the obligatory first question from the Associated Press, Obama treated the overflowing White House briefing room to a surprise. "I know Nico Pitney is here from the Huffington Post," he announced.

Obama knew this because White House aides had called Pitney the day before to invite him, and they had escorted him into the room. They told him the president was likely to call on him, with the understanding that he would ask a question about Iran that had been submitted online by an Iranian.

...Pitney recognized his prompt. "That's right," he said, standing in the aisle and wearing a temporary White House press pass. "I wanted to use this opportunity to ask you a question directly from an Iranian."

Pitney asked his arranged question. Reporters looked at one another in amazement at the stagecraft they were witnessing. White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel grinned at the surprised TV correspondents in the first row.

Whole thing here. It appears former President Bush's press-handling playbook was not among the items removed when the Obamas took up residence in the White House.

Not My Father's Crimefighters

The Guardian Force has protected Empire City from dangerous criminals for nearly seven decades. We are the shining legacy of Captain Freedom, the tireless bane of Red Leader, and the stalwart champions of liberty.

But in my absence, the Guardian Force has been paralyzed by the breakup of Jon and Kate.

BrainChild foiled my V-Chip settings soon after I left for the hospital. In addition to TLC -- home of Jon & Kate Plus 8 -- I strictly enforce a no-exceptions block on HGTV, E!, SpikeTV, VH1, and every last cursed incarnation of MTV inside the super-secret Guardian Fortress; now Ultragirl, Viking Warrior, and Frogman are loading up the TiVo with The Hills, Rock of Love II, and My House is Worth What? before I can get back.

Unsurprisingly, I was notified of the mutiny by The Human Mole.

Still to be explored is Jon Gosselin's potential -- or potential threat -- as as a superhero.