Public Masturbation, Maricopa County Style

You have got to be kidding me.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio rolled out the tanks to take down a man suspected of cockfighting.

West Valley residents in the neighborhood are crying foul after armored vehicles, including a tank, rolled into their neighborhood to make the bust.

Neighbor Debra Ross was so worried she called 911 and went outside where a nearby home had its windows blown out, was crawling with dozens of SWAT members in full gear, armored vehicles and a bomb robot.

“When the tank came in and pushed the wall over and you see what's in there, and all it is, is a bunch of chickens,” Ross said.

In a massive show of force on Monday, the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office executed a search warrant and arrested the homeowner, Jesus Llovera, on charges of suspected cockfighting.

Llovera was alone in the house at the time of the arrest, and he was unarmed.

“I think taxpayers should be shocked,” said Robert Campus, Llovera’s attorney. Campus said he believes the operation costs tens of thousands of dollars.

Deputies had no probable cause to believe Llovera was armed or dangerous, according to Campus.

Campus said he believes the entire scene was basically a stage, to help actor Steven Seagal’s TV show, “Lawman.”

Seagal was riding in the tank.

The Sheriff’s Department has entered into a contract with Seagal and part of that contract gives Seagal carte blanche to go along with the sheriff as he arrests people.

Thousands of dollars in damages were made to the property and 115 birds were euthanized on the spot.

Llovera was convicted of a misdemeanor last year of attending a cockfight and has no history of owning weapons.

Yet the sheriff’s office said they had reasons to believe Llovera might be armed.

“We're going to err on the side of caution. We're going to make sure that we have the appropriate amount of force in case we do run into anything like that,” said Sgt. Jesse Spurgin.[emphasis mine]

I don't know where to begin.

Joe Arpaio. Steven Segal. Tanks and stormtroopers descending on an American neighborhood to wrangle a man who has never even been accused of harming another human being. TV cameras glorifying it all. And Sgt. Spurgin calls it "err[ing] on the side of caution".

This isn't funny. It isn't wacky. And it isn't what life in a free society looks like.

Whole story via Channel 5 KPHO.

Legendary Beast Captured, Proves Ancient People Were 'Fraidy-Cats

Legitimate question to journalists: What exactly would you say you "do" here?

The headline of this UK Telegraph piece reads "'Oriental yeti' discovered in China". Now, ask anyone on the entire planet to describe a yeti, and I guarantee not a single one of them will describe this:

But the Telegraph is in the clear, because, you see, they used apostrophes. They were only reporting that this mangy civet had been "dubbed" an 'Oriental yeti'. "Dubbed by whom?" might be a logical question, though it's one the Telegraph didn't feel the need to answer.

So, now that the standard operating procedure has been established, I would like to announce that Scotticus Finch, 'the world's most-trusted blog', has discovered 'unequivocal proof' that the 'Queen of England' is 'actually a man'.

All claims have been thoroughly dubbed.

Brother-in-Law Links™

• Trippy theories on some classic films, and one on... Radio Flyer?
  
  
• I've always preferred the term "'That Guy' Pics" to "Photobombs", but I still tip my hat to the special appearance by Osama bin Laden.
  
  
• You think the guy sitting alone at the corner table of the regular strip club is creepy? Just wait 'til you see the winners at the Star Wars-themed strip club.
  
  
• Farmer has sex with a horse while his buddy records it, then dies from massive internal injuries. Just another day in WAVE Country.

Hat tip to Darrell for marrying my sister.

Man Outruns 12,000-Foot Tall Elephant, Makes Movie

Al Gore's advocacy film about the potential dangers of global climate change won an Academy Award.

Al Gore received the Nobel Peace Prize for his advocacy, being called "the single individual who has done most to create greater worldwide understanding of the measures that need to be adopted [in the struggle against climate change]" by the Nobel committee.

Al Gore recently appeared on the cover of Newsweek as a 21st-Century Isaac Newton and was called an "Eco-Prophet" and "The Thinking Man's Thinking Man".

And Al Gore thinks the temperature at the center of the Earth is "several million degrees":

Conan O'Brien: Now, what about ... you talk in the book about geothermal energy...

Al Gore: Yeah, yeah.

Conan: ...and that is, as I understand it, using the heat that's generated from the core of the earth...

Al: Yeah.

Conan: ...to create energy, and it sounds to me like an evil plan by Lex Luthor to defeat Superman. Can you, can you tell me, is this a viable solution, geothermal energy?

Al: It definitely is, and it's a relatively new one. People think about geothermal energy — when they think about it at all — in terms of the hot water bubbling up in some places, but two kilometers or so down in most places there are these incredibly hot rocks, 'cause the interior of the earth is extremely hot, several million degrees, and the crust of the earth is hot...

National Review Online blogger John Derbyshire goes ahead and tidies up the science for us laymen:

The temperature at the earth's core ... is usually quoted as 5000 degrees Celsius, though these guys claim it's much less, while some contrarian geophysicists have posted claims up to 9000 degrees. The temperature at the surface of the Sun is around 6000 degrees Celsius, while at the center, where nuclear fusion is going on bigtime, things get up over 10 million degrees.

To illustrate the enormity of Gore's wrongness, his claim is mathematically identical to saying the average height of an African Elephant is 12,000 feet, or that the fastest a human has ever run a mile is 0.223 seconds.

Did I know off the top of my head that the center of the Earth is actually around 5000 degrees? Of course not. But the spot on my mantle where there isn't an Oscar, a Nobel Peace Prize, and a framed copy of Newsweek serve as my excuse.

What's Al's?

Check out the whole Conan clip at YouTube here.

Scotticus's Netflix Reviews: Marley and Me

[SPOILER ALERT]

Screw you, Marley and Me. I’ve got dogs, and they do a perfectly good job of getting me to spoil them rotten without your help. I already feel guilty enough every time I make them jump down off the warm, cozy spot they’ve eked out on the couch. Now thanks to you, alongside my own anthropomorphizing issues, I will always add this thought: “One day these pups will die. Your children will cry; your wife will cry; you will cry; and you will feel like a complete asshat for every time you snapped at them instead of feeding them foie gras and rubbing their bellies.”

I didn’t need that. I’d already had a long day. I was tired. I had nine episodes of Big Love on my DVR. Instead, I chose to watch your heartfelt, adorable movie and then I spent forty-five minutes trying to swallow back the billiard ball in my gullet and blaming my blubbering on allergies. Do you know how many hours of Grand Theft Auto I’m going to have to play just to feel like a man again? Do you know that the last time a movie made me cry was when Gone in Sixty Seconds destroyed that beautiful 1967 Shelby GT 500, and the time before that probably involved being scared of oompa-loompas?

So go to hell.

And if you need me, chances are I will be in the backyard, installing a window unit on the new doghouse.

His Out-of-Frame Hand is Choking a Puppy

1000 Guardian Force Superbucks to the first person who puts this on a T-shirt and sends me a picture.



(Incalculable thanks to the Internet's most disturbed librarian: SugarFree.)

Political Porcine Protagonist Pursued by Perturbed Police

In Aaron Sorkin’s political wet dream The American President, plucky presidential advisor Lewis (played pluckily by the plucky Michael J Fox), describes the American hero-need thusly:

People want leadership, Mr. President, and in the absence of genuine leadership, they'll listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand.

Or, evidently, root for a feral pig. Following Ron Paul’s failure to place in a single presidential primary, Bob Barr’s failure to be more man than moustache, and Barack Obama’s failure to keep any of his campaign promises that would have reduced the power of the federal government, libertarians have pinned their inspiration to a pig.

My favorite part:

”It’s not easy [to catch]. You have a 150-pound pig with an attitude,” said Jim Crosby, director of Bay County Animal Control.

For the record, 150 pounds is 15 pounds less than Justin Timberlake weighs. The Guardian Force's bid to catch the pig was rejected by County authorities as "prohibitively expensive".

Not My Father's Crimefighters

The Guardian Force has protected Empire City from dangerous criminals for nearly seven decades. We are the shining legacy of Captain Freedom, the tireless bane of Red Leader, and the stalwart champions of liberty.

But in my absence, the Guardian Force has been paralyzed by the breakup of Jon and Kate.

BrainChild foiled my V-Chip settings soon after I left for the hospital. In addition to TLC -- home of Jon & Kate Plus 8 -- I strictly enforce a no-exceptions block on HGTV, E!, SpikeTV, VH1, and every last cursed incarnation of MTV inside the super-secret Guardian Fortress; now Ultragirl, Viking Warrior, and Frogman are loading up the TiVo with The Hills, Rock of Love II, and My House is Worth What? before I can get back.

Unsurprisingly, I was notified of the mutiny by The Human Mole.

Still to be explored is Jon Gosselin's potential -- or potential threat -- as as a superhero.